Thursday, October 8, 2009

Crash and Burn.

*Taps yardstick on desk* Ok, students, today I would like to talk to you all about "Crash Dieting."
Miss Freelance Fatty is SICK of crash diets, and wants you, her class, to know why they are so bad for you! Ok? Good!

Sigh. I really am sick of Crash Diets. There is a new one going around my work right now, the HCG diet. This one is a doozy. Not only does it rely heavily on a "nutritional supplement" but the diet restricts one to a diet of 500 calories a day. Yeah, that's right. So obviously its not the supplement that makes you lose weight, its the fact that you've gone from 1800-2200 calories a day down to 500.

This diet is bad for you. Period. Let's say on this diet you lose 20 pounds in a month. At least half of that weight is muscle right? So check out this math...

1 lb muscle = 50 calories burned per day (just to exist)
1 lb fat = 2 calories burned per day (just to exist)

So lets say you lose 10 lbs of muscle, and 10 lbs of fat on a crash diet.
BTW, when you lose weight too fast, you always lose muscle. When your body thinks it's starving, it will dump whatever takes the most energy, and as you see above, muscle takes 25x energy to keep alive than fat.

10 lb muscle = 500 calories off your metabolism
10lb fat = 20 calories off your metabolism

Total = 520 calories a day you are no longer burning. That's like a meal! So now, you've lost your goal weight, you go back to your, let's say 1800 calorie a day diet. And before this diet, you maintained your weight well, so you were burning that 1800 calories every day. But now, after losing that muscle and fat, you are now only burning just under 1300 calories a day. So you start to gain back the weight at about a pound a week. After 20 weeks you're back where you were.

But get this, you're worse off now! Unless you're really doing muscle building, you don't get that muscle back that fast... so you've only upped your metabolism by maybe 50-100 calories, even though you weigh what you did before!

This is where yo-yo dieting comes from people. You lose 20, gain back 25, lose 25 gain back 30... you're screwing your body when you do it this way. Crash diets always do just that... CRASH!

Ok, so why my ginormous rant about this today? Like I said, I have several coworkers on this diet now HCG. Its so ridiculous. But you know what annoys me the most? The fact that all they can talk about... is their diet. My one coworker, ICD, she is the worst of them all. All she talks about all day is "I can't have that!" Over and over again. The biggest blow came today... the reason I'm finally blogging about it...

One of the guys I work for brought in some trout he caught and smoked himself. It was divine. We were all having little snacks on it. So ICD comes over, and get this (I'm so not making this up...) She asks if she can SMELL it. Seriously. She lifts up the plate and smells it. So the guy who brought it in, looks at her like she's lost her mind and says, "Just have some." I bout yelled at him. Because I knew exactly what was coming next. "I CAN'T" she says, "I am not allowed to have it, so I'm just smelling it." And she walks away.

After enduring going out to lunch with her last week... and hearing her tell the waitress over and over again what she can't have... I am just about ready to scream.

But don't take diet advice from the fat girl right? Jeez. Oh, btw... I am keeping off this now almost 15 pounds I mysteriously lost. I think its the less snacking I'm doing lately. Being poor has its benefits I guess.

Ok comment time. Um, I am still so blinded with rage over this incident, I can't really think of anything creative... so why don't you comment about the crazy dieters you've run into. Add to my story!

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Every second you're getting older... See? Older already.

I made a horrible connection today.

You know how sometimes your brain goes on little journies without you, and you end regaining consciousness in the middle of the weirdest thoughts? No? Ok it's just me I guess...

Anyway, it was a coworker's birthday at work yesterday. (There was pie. It was so good. And it had fruit in it, so it totally didn't count) He was getting razzed because he'd just turned 29. Here comes 30! They kept telling him.

I smiled and began thinking to myself (here goes the train of thought... hang on, its a bumpy ride) I'm going to be 24 in a few weeks... and I so don't care about turning 30. I mean, maybe it'll be worse as I get closer to it, but really, I think a woman who ages gracefully is more beautiful than a young woman. I want to gain maturity, knowledge, maybe even a few smile lines. I mean really, what is the big deal about wrinkles?

I don't need botox, my body is pretty much outside the standard of beauty anyway, what are some lines on my face, my hands, my back or my boobs?


At this moment... I became that woman I hate... that woman who dreads age... who cries about getting older. I cannot have wrinkly boobs! That is the worst fate you could wish on someone!

My boobs are my pride and joy. They are the one part of my body, that are plump, pretty and attractive. They fit the "norm" Standard of beauty. Not so big they're saggy, but big enough. And my cleavage is fantastic. Not a day goes by that I don't have someone looking at my chest. I don't mind... its a compliment really.

But what about when they're just as crappy looking as the rest of my body??

I swear to God, I had a breakdown last night thinking about this. I hate that I am that way... but insecurity comes with the uterus.

Anyway I am starting my new regimen of sunscreen asap. No more sun for those babies. They are going to stay creamy alabaster forever!

Comment time: Getting older... how's it feel? What is your biggest fear AND your biggest hope about getting on in years?

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Big Beautiful Wuss

Sorry guys, I promised myself I would update this thing at least twice a week, figuring it'd be good for me to write what I feel down more often. Between the wife hat, the mom hat, the employee hat, the daughter hat, the friend hat and all those other hats I wear, I rarely give myself much time anymore.

I want to talk today about self image. I need to talk about self-image. I don't think my husband truly understands how a woman's mind works sometimes... hell I don't even think I understand it sometimes...

I would most definitely call myself confident. Well, confident-ish. See? Right there... why are we so complicated? I am a big woman. I have a huge ass, flabby stomach and my arms are NOT thin and proportionate. Nope, I'm a big girl. And some days, I don't give a flying (beep) about it. My husband sees me walking around the house in something skimpy, flaunting myself and thinks, wow, she's HOT!

But the next day I may be sitting on the couch wishing my thighs didn't dimple all over, or trying to suck my belly in because I hate how my shirt clings to it. He asks me where's that confident girl who was strutting around in nothing but panties and high heels?

I don't know. I don't know where she goes... and why she leaves a depressed fat girl in her stead. I don't know why one day I look at stick thin women and scoff, thinking I've got a lot to offer myself, AND I don't have to starve. Then the next day I long to fit into something not bought at a specialty store... to throw on whatever's clean and look fantastic...

Why does it go up and down so much? And not just like, normal fluctuations... I mean seriously different. I know that I can feel fabulous and sexy...

I am fabulous and sexy. I know I am. I just forget. A lot.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Health UN-Fair

Man this has been the week from HELL. My daughter is painfully sick with Hand, Foot and Mouth disease. Her mouth is just chock full of big sores that keep her from eating/sleeping and doing anything without whining... "OWIE!"

My nerves are shot, I haven't eaten anything decent or balanced in over a week. I think I'm getting sick myself... Man, being a mom is not for the faint-of-heart. Ok, that was just my little prequel here. Bad week, exhausted, fried. And not the good kind of fried where there is oil. :(

Anyway, as the title alluded to, my work had it's annual health fair this week. To try and encourage everyone to go and participate, they offer prizes if you go to every single booth. This year I was going to try and do it. Participating in the wellness program at work has been pretty good for me, I'm thinking about what I do more, and what I'm eating. Hell, its what got me started writing this blog... a sort of journey journal. :)

I've never gone to every booth before, though this is my third health fair at this company, so I've never been eligible for a prize. I always avoided one booth. The evil booth.

Body fat analysis. Yeah. Fun.

The other booths don't scare me nearly as bad as this one. Cholesterol, check! (160... that's pretty damn fantastic for being 360 lbs eh?) Blood sugar? double check! (79.... that's way at the low end of good, and diabetes runs in my family... so extra good!) Blood pressure? Meh... (138/94... but I do get white coat. If a nurse I Like/know takes it its usually about 130/85ish)

Vision was perfect, stress levels, extraordinarily high, but that's pretty par for me right now... stressful life.

But that damn fat composition booth mocked me. I looked down at my card, every box checked except for that one. No one was around to hear the guy yell out what a fatty I am... so I went for it. Screw it, I thought, I know I'm fat, he knows I'm fat... why not?

I hold onto the little thing, kind of looks like a steering wheel. He enters my height and weight (blush) and beep. It pops up. 47%.

Actually... I was a little happy. I thought it'd be worse really... as much as I weigh I though it'd be 50+. Optimal for a woman is 18-30%. So I'm up there. He talked on and on about how this increases my risk for high cholesterol (hmmm not yet...) diabetes (looking good...) and high blood pressure (my one concern in the near future) and yadda yadda.

Then he says something I've never heard a health professional tell me. He said my optimal weight may be (gasp) about 250 pounds. Because of the percentage at 350, at 250 (mind that's 100 FREAKING pounds) I'd be in great shape. "Most women wouldn't say YAY I'm 250, but for you that could be a great goal." Wow, I actually got a health professional to admit that perhaps, for my height and bone structure that the "optimal" weight of 170 might not be ideal.

So, although I had to sit through a lecture of why I'm going to die because I'm fat/lazy... I also got that great bit of support.

All in all, I think I had a pretty good time. I do often feel like the second these nurses look at me they see a big greasy, cholesterol ridden, diabetes-doomed person... and I don't feel that way at all. Obviously I'm doing good for now, trying to be better... how do you show that to people?

I guess you can't. You just have to let them judge you on your looks.

Comment time! Do you feel like when you deal with health professionals, they are quick to assume that you are unhealthy, because of your size/body? Do you think that thinner people, though plagued with some of the same ailments, are more likely "innocent until proven guilty," while chubbier gals get the immediate diagnosis?

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

My computer Crashed, I swear!!

Ok guys, I'm sorry!

I haven't posted in a while, and I hate to leave you hanging. Life has been incredibly stressful to say the least. To top it off, my computer SPLODED last week. Like, just died. So with the incredible help of the guys at PC Help Forum (you can donate to the guys who help you, which is great...) I got the computer fixed. I still have NO idea how every option got turned off on my computer, but I probably did it to myself. Knowing me....

Anyway the stress. Stress = Stress Eating. But I'm kinda funny about that too, I have to reach a certain level of equalibrium in order to maximize stress eating. If I'm not stressed enough, well then I'm just regular eating for the most part. Too stressed and I stop eating. Yeah, that's right... I actually don't want to eat. I know... I never thought I'd be that way.

In High School, I went through a year of terrible stress. I was in therapy, on anti-deppresants, you name it. During that time I developed IBS. Google it... I don't wanna talk about what it means. Anyway, since I wasn't absorbing any of the food I ate, I lost tons of weight, in a bad way. I also got to a point where I just didn't WANT to eat. Now, when the heavy stress hits, I go back to that habit.

I seem to be going back and forth for the last couple weeks. One day I'm pigging out... the next I eat a bowl of cereal then forget to eat the rest of the day... At least I'm maintaining most of that 10 pounds I lost last week.

I guess I'm just rambling here, but stress-eating is a big problem for me. I definitely tell myself it's ok to keep eating because I'm sad/down/stressed and I "deserve" it. It's how I was taught to pamper myself. In my family if we achieved something, or needed comfort we didn't get a haircut, or a toy, or even just special attention. We got food. It was how we celebrated everything. And now, I am a total emotional eater. Blah.

I really want to break that cycle with my daughter. She gets treats for going potty, but other achievements or good behavior I try verbal praise and hugs and dancing. Dancing is a great reward I think. :)

Ok, comment time. Are you an emotional/stress eater? If so, what are your triggers? Was this learned from your family, or later in life?

Monday, September 7, 2009

Tis the Season... to eat.

Today is the glorious THIRD day of my weekend. Thank goodness for three day weekends. I'm truly excited for the holiday season this year, because my work finally gave in (after crazy low attendance) and gave us the day after Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve off.

We used to get two hours off on Christmas Eve, that's it. But since most people just didn't come in those two days we get em off now. Woohoo!

That's not the only reason I'm excited... We have our own house for the first time since my husband and I got married. That means a bigger tree! (Does a happy little crafter's dance) I get to decorate it and everything. Oh and Lights!

Only downside? Food. There is SO much food that time of year. And if you work in an office like I do, you know that everybody's wife is smart enough to say "Take this to work or I'll just eat it all!" Well guess who's at work? ME! This year I vow to only eat what looks crazy fantastic, and to keep my portions small. I don't NEED 20 bland boring butter cookies. Right?

I have to allow myself to have a little bit of fun and freedom with food, otherwise I get depressed and eat like... the butter out of my fridge.

On top of all of it... It gets so cold and snowy hear I just slug around the house most of the day.

Maybe when we get our mondo tax return I'll buy a wii fit. That will get me moving in the coldest of days...

Ok, comment time after the short post. Are you getting excited for the Holiday Season coming, or are you (like me) worried about impending weight gain??

Friday, September 4, 2009

What the F@#&?

So this morning, I stepped on the scale.

That statement may not seem much to you, but I'm not a frequent weigh-er. For one thing, its depressing and makes me feel less confident all day, and for another, I haven't gained any weight for the past year or so. Up two pounds, down two pounds etc.

So this morning, full of sheer morbid curiosity (and wondering if that damn pasta bowl completely screwed me over...) I stepped onto the scale.

Lo and Behold... I have lost 10 pounds since the last time my curiosity got ahold of me (which was almost two weeks ago, I was going clothing shopping and just had to kill my confidence before I went...)

10 pounds! Actually its 11, but I always hover between 363 and 365 so that 1-2 pounds is usually water. And guess what? 354.

I haven't weighed that in just under a year, when I was working to renovate a house and just worked my ass off. Literally.

I think it's probably the stress from what's going on in life. Money issues, friend issues. Etc. But also lately I've just been too lazy to eat. I know that sounds funny, but it's true. I just don't have the energy to go and make some big fattening dinner (like a butter and egg sandwich. Yeah, that used to be a favorite) so I eat a string-cheese and go to bed.

Hum. Well my clothes aren't fitting too differently, so Its just a small change (10/360 is not the same ratio as 10/180!!!) but still awesome for me.

Anyway I best get back to work. I work hard for that money.

Oh I'm wearing that awesome blue/black/white dress today from my last post. SMOKIN!


Sunday, August 30, 2009

In your own skin.

As you may of guessed from the title, this post is about confidence. And feeling at home in one's own skin. I have always been very comfortable with my body, until this last 60 pounds. Believe it or not, but at 295 and as a size 22 I felt unstopable. I was Big, Beautiful and all woman. I felt like if a guy didn't like my size, well too damn bad for him.

Lately that feeling is a lot harder to come by. With less clothing that fits me well, and a harder time of hiding the bulges and tummy than before, I almost always feel less than worthy of my life. My 110 pound, built husband, my amazing job, I don't feel like I'm deserving of any of it, and might lose it all at any time.

But I think enough is enough. I am really wanting to lose this weight, but what do I do until then? I refuse to be OK with hating myself for the next year. Always saying "when I lose 10 pounds I will..."

Enough! I stole the following pic and article from Becca (go check out her blog, she is amazing)
Now this girl is much prettier and thinner than I am, but it is still so heartening to see someone with a belly in a major national magazine! Hellz yeah!

Her name is Lizzi Miller, and you can find the article about her here. I love it. That belly is so NORMAL. If anything, she's much more toned and smooth than the normal woman. So pretty!

Another thing that helped boost my confidence? DH took me to Lane Bryant this week and let me charge a little bit of happy. I got a few really cute things. The first top was DH's favorite. Said If I wore it to word I'd have to beat the guys off with a stick. God I love that man :D

This dress was my fave find of the night $24 after all the discounts... it's long enough I don't have to wear leggings under it, like many of my other dresses. YAY! I got a great belt to wear with both of these.
Can't find a pic of the belt, buts wide and kind of elasticy and the front has black pleather and studs. Very rocker chic while still work appropriate. The jacket I got is kind of a light blue with white piping blazer style. So cute.

The one thing he made me get was the necklace. I don't usually do so much shiny, but since he was buying I figured I'd better get it. :D

So yeah, two different posts here mashed into one, but the shopping trip with my super sexy husband helped in a lot of ways. Sometimes I forget that he really doesn't care about my size. That not only does he find it sexy that I'm big a beautiful, he really loves ME and not my dress size. How truly blessed I am to have such an enlightened man. I love him!! And he helps me love me.

OK, comment time. How comfortable are you in your skin? Tell me about a time when you felt very confident, or maybe, not so confident. How can we help each other feel more confident? Let's hear it girls!

Friday, August 28, 2009

Domino's Delivers... DOOM!

OK, I'm ready to talk about yesterday.

Have you ever eaten something, that was so disgustingly bad for you, that afterward you actually felt... like a bad person? I mean, more than guilt. More than just... well that's a lot of calories to work off, or "oh there goes my diet." But actually... Bad.

That is how the Domino's Pasta Bowl made me feel.
Behold. The pasta bread bowl. Looks innocent enough right? Well not so. Not only is the pasta swimming in delectably creamy sauce... This particular bad boy has bacon AND chicken in it too. For the most part, I enjoy it. Until I come to the actual bowl part. I've never thought Domino's crust was too greasy. Way better than Pizza Hut (barf) but this bowl, is dripping with grease.

Can I put it down and say, ok that is really bad for me, just throw it away? Nope. I eat almost the whole thing.

I almost made myself sick on this thing. And why? Did I enjoy it? Not particularly. Not when my hand is dripping in orange grease. Blech.

I'm getting nauseated just thinking about it. But I think I need to think about it. Don't shut it in the closet. Open up that embarrassment and really examine it. Then maybe next time, I just won't order the damn thing. *Shudder*

Anyway, today I felt so repentant that I had a slim fast bar for breakfast, red vines for a snack and a salad (with less than two tablespoons of dressing, mind you) for lunch. All-in-all, doing pretty well. And very full I might add.

I just need to celebrate days like today, and remember that those "off the wagon" days happen. They do. Its just food, and it's not my master right?

Ok, really mean comment question this time, but you know... misery loves company. What is an "off the wagon" moment you've had recently? Becca mentioned the two pans of fries. (I hear that sister) What else have you guys been weakened to? Let's let it out, and be stronger than our cravings!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Greasy does it.

What a day.

I ate way too damn much today. Every meal was a lot, and way too greasy. And then in between I snacked on bread, candy and chips. And lots of diet coke.

Oy. Days like this make me feel like I deserve every ounce of fat on my body. I deserve to be morbidly obese. I deserve to be unattractive.

Short post today. Too depressed to be witty. Tomorrow will be better. I hope.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

A Fatty Reminiscing

You know, I never realized I had so much to say about being fat. I guess it's shaped my point of view on the world more than I thought it had.

I think a big part of it, is that I have been overweight my whole life. I was never skinny, or even average, so I have no other way of looking at life. I don't see myself as the skinny person I was, or understand the discrimination. I never got to be on the other end of that... so my point of view is pretty unique.

Although I'm the fattest now that I've ever been, its all just numbers to me. I feel too fat to feel good right now, but 60 pounds ago, although still very much in the "morbidly obese" category, I felt fantastic.

My goal weight is around 300 pounds. For my height, according to the archaic BMI standards I should weigh 155-176, and that's on a large frame.

I think at that weight I'd be sick, and miserable. And that's not an excuse, its reality.

When I was 17 I got sick quite badly. I couldn't eat, and what I did eat came right back up. I got down to 250 pounds (from being about 308) and I looked terrible. Even as I got better, and the weight stayed off for a few months, people told me I looked sick. Drawn. Hollow.

By 18 I had gained back up to about 290 and I felt better, I looked better.

Anyway, sorry to get off on a tangent there. I guess what I'm saying is that I've surprised myself at just how much I have to say on weight. How little I get to say it in my everyday life, and how grateful I am to have a place to share it now. Not to the empty internet, but to a group of lovely people who maybe, can get a little bit of something from me doing it.

Comment time!

What things in your life and shaped and changed your perspective on weight, shape, beauty, and love?

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Hippo in Heels

Last night my husband and I got to go on a (much needed) date out. My fave babysitter M came over and watched my daughter (well, watched movies. The daughter was asleep) while DH and I went out.

Getting dressed up to go out is one of my favorite things to do. Though I don't have a huge selection, I do pride myself on my sense of style, and evenings out are a great venue for things that aren't appropriate for work, and aren't realistic for my mommy duties.

I wore my new Walmart dress (so sexy with the Lane Bryant plunge bra...) leggings and, you guessed it, heels.

Now, you need to know that on top of the fact that I'm fat and tall (5'11) I have abnormally large bones and joints. I once had a sports injury doctor tell me, at the tender age of 15, that I had a knee the same size as a 6'5" basketball player he was treating. He almost mixed up our x-rays. The previous year I thought I'd broken a finger and that x-ray tech said the joints in my fingers were "abnormally large for a girl my age." You know that phrase, big-boned? Turns out I am. Well, and I'm fat too.

Anyway, because of my height and freak-like bone structure, I wear large rings, large bracelets, and very large shoes. Size 11 wide or 12 wide, depending on the store. Yup, that is big.

I have many fat female family members, all of whom, though they are sad at the lack of clothing choices, are thrilled that at the very least, their accessories are good. Jewelry, shoes...

Me? I once again am forced to choose from the "special" aisle at the store. I'm not meaning to whine more (though I'm accomplishing that fairly well..) I just want you to understand why wearing heels (let alone owning heels) is a big deal for me.

Because of the size and make-up of my feet, and my height, I really have never worn heels. Granted I've bought a few pairs, vowed to learn to walk in them, and then had them relegated to the back of my closet. They never fit right, and even when they do, the tendons in my legs are screaming "WTF?" the whole time I wear them.

That is, until this pair of shoes came along. Oh how I love them. Payless special, size 11 Wide. Black, rounded toe, mary-jane strap to keep them on, and only about a 2.5 inch heel. Perfect! My sister bought them for me when I told her I'd tried them on and they were comfy. She had a cow and said "I'm buying these for you NOW!!!"

So last night, I venture out of the house in them. I feel fantastic. Well... sort of. I kind of feel like a Hippo in heels when I wear shoes like that. Not that they aren't great... but think about it: Let's put a 360 pound, 5'11" tall woman into shoes that channel all of that weight into two small dots at the back of these shoes. Yikes!

Even though I'm getting better at walking in them, and not going CLOMP CLOMP, I still feel like at any moment one of the stilts is going to snap and TIMBER... down I will go.

Now that would not be a fun end to the evening. I am not graceful... I do not fall well.

Well, the evening went off without a hitch. I didn't trip or fall once, and even though I was a good 7 inches taller than my husband in them, I felt great.

Note to self: Wear heels more. They make you feel like a normal girl... which is super rare.

Ok, new thing I'm trying out... Comment Questions. I'm going to ask a question at the end of the blog and you answer in the comment section... So Answer! Ready?

Question: What clothes, accessories, or features about yourself make you feel extra sexy/pretty/cute/normal? Is there a certain "it factor" for you that makes you feel less like the token fat girl, and more like a sex symbol? What is it, do you flaunt it, and why is it so special to you?

Alright guys... Fatty out!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Cake Wreck!

If you do not know what Cake Wrecks is... pause. Look over at my blog roll and click on Cake Wrecks. Look around. It's ok... I'll wait.

Still looking? Ok.

Find any good ones? That tie dyed on made me cringe. Imagine the color you're poo would come out!!

OK, enough talk of psychedelic poo. Onto the cake wreck.

The other day was my Mother's birthday. I told her I was going to make her a "wreck-tastic" cake. She squee'd in excitement, for my mom is a big fan of wrecks herself. So... behold. Freelance Fatty's big Wreck:

I took inspiration from several different wrecks. The "inappropriately placed quotation mark" wreck. The misspelled cakes, and the "in pink" cake. All good favorites. Also, a new fave. The turned 20 into 40 cake.

And what are those white things supposed to be? Flowers? Scary blobs? Yep. Awesome.
Also please note the great basket weaving on the sides... overkill if I do say so myself. I was going for the "fugly" vote on that...

Anyway, it was lots of fun, and hopefully mom likes it. Along with her gift (a shovel. She asked for it I promise!!)

Oh, Fat Girl Cake Decorating Tip:

Practice your tips on graham crackers. Then you can eat them later. Awesome. My daughter loved hers. Though more got on her than in her...
Well, enjoy the cakey post. That is all for today. I gotta go bathe the child...

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Commenting Issues

I think I may have fixed the problem, by creating a pop up window for comments... let me know if this works or not... you can email me at if not and let me know.

I really want your comments!!

Puff a Long

This morning I got up, and it was beautiful outside. All the rain we had yesterday really cleared all the pollution out of the air, and it was a cool, crisp, fall-like morning. So we went for a walk.

We loaded my daughter into the big stroller, and went down to our neighbor's to see their animals. We live in a suburban/rural area and our neighbor that's about 1/2 a mile away has deer, sheep, goats and llamas. My daughter loves to go and feed the kids and the goats. The deer are a bit shy, but so beautiful.

After failing to squeeze my ass through the small gap next to the fence, I had to climb an old tree over running irrigation water to get to them. God I hate being fat. Did I mention that my husband weighs 110 on a good day? He's also almost 5 inches shorter than I am. We're a bit of a comic pair...

Anyway, the whole way there is downhill. So the whole way back... uphill. And boy howdy, that stroller gets heavy! DH kept saying he'd take the stroller, as he easily skipped up this murderous hill. Hell no, I said. I'm gonna freaking do this. So I huffed, and puffed and wheezed my way up a 1/2 mile stretch at a steep incline. I couldn't even talk. DH chatted on in my ear as he easily took his body (less than 1/3 the weigh of mine) up that hill while I dragged my pathetic out-of-shape carcass up the hill of doom.

But I did it!! I almost had an asthma attack at the top, but I did it! Now if I could just do it a few times a week... that'd be a great start to me getting my body healthy.

By the way, yesterday for lunch I had fruit, bread and cheese, and for dinner a perfectly sized portion of pork roast and veggies. I'm very proud of my portion sizing. God its hard to have that half empty plate stare back at me. It's like its saying "What are you... a sissy??"

I am stronger than the plate!

Oh, one last thing, I got an ADORABLE dress at Walmart the other day... $18! And I am a super hard-to-fit dress wearer, so I bet it'd fit any of you big girls out there... though if you have large boobs (proud member of the itty bitty titty committee here...) you might want to go a size up. It fits my tiny ones nicely.

Walmart has really stepped up their game as far as plus size fashion goes. A couple years ago, Just My Size came in, but it was almost purely work-out wear and t-shirts. Now its moved into other sports wear, and casual clothes. I really am a Lane Bryant Purest. Or I was... until I got poor. When I worked there the 40% discount helped, but I've gotten too fat for all those old clothes, so now... walmart here I come...

all of the following items are available at and in store.

This is the dress I was talking about... though I have it in purple. I got at least 10 compliments at work friday... good dress. Because I'm tall I wear it with leggings. If you're 5' 9" or shorter the length will probably be fine on you.

This cardigan is SO cute in person. I really really want one. 15 bucks... it would look great over some of my gauzier shirts for winter... (This is the color of my dress btw)

This tunic is AMAZING on. I Tried it, and it was such a toss-up between the dress and this. I think I'll go get it on payday. $15!
Alright, the little girl is asking for some lunch so I better go make it. Talk to you later blog world.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

God it's gorgeous outside

For me, good weather isn't sun. It isn't clear skies and warm breezes. Nope. It is dark, gloomy, cloudy, rainy and windy. And that is what it is outside RIGHT NOW! :)


So I was reading one of FB's friend's blogs. I can't remember which one (if you know, please comment and tell me...) she wrote about a terrible experience she had flying. The whole seat-belt extender thing... God I would have been pissed.

Anyway, I'm terrified about this very thing. I have asked for (and am pretty sure I'm getting) a promotion at work. I'd go from being a Sales Assistant (i.e. Secretary...) to an estimator. I'd be doing work that the MEN at my company do, and getting better pay, more respect and a lot of room for promotion. Hooray right?

Well, yes. And no. The guy in line before me is being trained right now. When he's done I'm up next. And guess what? Week two, he's already flying across the country for bid meetings and plant tours. And I'm freaking terrified.

I don't hate flying or anything. I love to travel, see new places. I'm even one of those weird people who LOVE staying in hotels... it's like an adventure. But how do I tell my employer, that they may have to buy an extra seat for me? How do I sit next to a (male) coworker on a plane and, with any dignity left, request a seat-belt extender? What if I don't fit? Will they pay for me to have two seats?

I don't think so. They just won't send me. And I'll be the liability that can't fly to new sites, because of my weight. God. How pathetic is that?

Will my weight keep me from progressing in my job? Is it really more than self-image and health, is this going to affect my career?


Thursday, August 13, 2009

No Make-Up??

If you've read my first post, you know I'm a Fat Bridesmaid fan. Well her last post was a challenge to post a make-up free portrait. No Photoshop, no make-up. Heck I'm thinking no hairspray or crazy lighting either right? I mean, let's strip naked here and just lean into the fear!

So here is my response to her challenge:

This is me, fresh out of the shower. Freckles, zits and no eyebrows. Viola.

So for the rest of my post....

Today at work was the wellness program Lunch & Learn. They talked about nutrition. It was really interesting, they had a nutritionist come and talk about basic stuff. Not a lot that I didn't already know, but with my newfound outlook, I think I took it more seriously. I hope I did anyway.

I thought maybe I'd start buying fruit and bagging it in little baggies I can take to work easily. Then I can mix and match with veggies for all-day snacks. Because God knows what I eat at work is not often very good for me. Someone is always bringing in donuts, cake, bagels etc.

Anyway, they did a drawing at the end, and I won! I never win anything...

I got a prize bag with some healthy goodies in it. Fantastic! I can put it in my desk for when those donuts show up tomorrow. I just know they will....

Fatty Out!

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Clothing is Such Sweet Sorrow...

God I hate being fat sometimes.

And not for the obvious reasons. Not for those reasons that most people hate it. More than anything, I hate the clothing situation. Now... I know how to dress my big body. I've been doing it for over a decade, and I think I've come to a point where I accept what I have, and hide what I don't really like.

I have very small boobs, and a very large butt. That figure is due, not only to genetics, but to my poly-cystic ovarian syndrome. The hormone imbalance I struggle with keeps my breasts small, and my stomach and hips quite large. Thanks a lot, God.

Anyway, what gets me, is the lack of selection for the big woman. Now, I'm not talking average, or slightly bigger than average, I wear a 26/28, so I know that I'm a BIG girl. But why the hell shouldn't I get to look cute? Isn't my money as good as a girl with a 32 inch waist?

Apparently not. There are only two options when you get to my size. Either you pay an arm and a leg to shop at places like Lane Bryant (my fave...) or Torrid (who actually don't carry 28), or you can try your luck at a plus size department in a regular store. These clothes are usually not in style, not fit to a real woman's body, and not great quality, but the prices are more normal.

The problem with Department/Low End stores is that their idea of a plus size department consists of Stretch pants, jeans with elastic waistbands, t-shirts with Winnie the Poo on them, and sportswear. I can't wear any of those to work. The occasional cute thing will come along and either be too small in the hips, or too short (I'm close to 6' tall btw)

I am a working mom, and as you can imagine, my budget doesn't really allow for much of a clothing allowance for me. 50 bucks a month is pushing it. I can buy 1 shirt at Lane Bryant for that, or three at Walmart, though neither has me particularly happy.

At this point I have 4 shirts I like well enough to wear to work. I work 5 days a week... so I have to repeat, or wear something that makes me feel like a moo cow.

The worst part for me is, I consider myself to have quite a sense of style. (toots own horn) I know that what I wear is boring, old-lady, mommy stuff with no flair. But what can I do? Better it fit well and be boring, than be stylish and have me tugging at it all day right?

So I've tried sewing my own clothes. My mom is a fantastic seamstress. Me? God I'm awful. Tonight I mangled the second project in a row. Too small through the hips, to long in the front, the neck is too small. Just shoot me now.

Why, oh why, is there not a line of clothing priced a little better than Lane Bryant, but just as cute? Torrid's flare for style coupled with Lane Bryant's great fit and all priced at Old Navy prices... It's not impossible. The industry just believes that most women, if they have let themselves get this fat, must not care about their appearance, so why bother. And those that do care... well let's milk them for all they're worth.

I know this has been a bit of a rant, but I believe this is a very real issue. And now that the average size in America is now a 16... I believe that someone going into this niche would make a whole HELL of a lot of money.

Especially from me.


Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Working for the Man

God what a day at work. My crazy coworker "C" is driving me ape-shit as usual. Now, to give you a little history, I have filed two formal complaints against C. My boss J has filed formal complaints, my work buddy Hol has filed one as well. Pretty much, her file is thicker than your typical phone book.

The last time she really crossed me, she got in serious trouble. Was she fired? No. Turns out being at a company for 25 years makes them afraid to fire you.

Anyway, Hol, my other buddy "ICD" and I were bitching about her in the lunchroom today. She's up to her old tricks. See, every time she gets into trouble she turns into "super nice C" and we all get annoyed by the sappy sweetness that lies ahead. Then, when things settle down, and when J is out of town, she goes crazy and becomes the epic bitch again.

She has this way of saying things that completely leave you shocked and speechless. Which is SUPER rare for me. I know you don't know me well (yet) but I am rarely speechless. In fact I'm so good at zinging people, that I often end up sticking my foot in my mouth, and regretting it later.

Well J is out of the office as of Thursday and won't be back for about 2 weeks. It's going to be interesting to say the least. I'll have to blog if anything funny happens. Well, funny to you. Because it's not happening to you!

I've been thinking more and more about bariatric surgery. Topping out at 365 just has me plain old miserable. I can't run around with my daughter, I sweat all the time during the summer... there are so many things that I would do if I were even 50 pounds thinner. And with surgery, I could easily lose 100 pounds. That's crazy to me. If I were 265, I would weigh as much as I did as a 9th grader. I would be about a size 16. Something I have never been in my adult life.

Well I'll keep you posted as to what I do, or think about doing. Any input? Anyone out there have a surgery story? Good or bad I'd love to hear it.


Monday, August 3, 2009


God I hate the first post in a new blog. It's so intimidating. Like a big angry face asking, "Well? What have you got to say for yourself?"

Not much. This is the first blog I've ever written incognito. Usually I write these for my friends and family. Keep up to date, and show them the slightly unstable side of myself that always seems to come out when I'm typing.

I guess the best way to start is to give you a little background about me, before we dive in too deep, right?

Well I am 23 (almost 24!), I am a mother of one, been married for about 3.5 years. Yes, that means I was 20 when I got married, but that is a story for another day. My daughter 2, and we are desperately trying to get her potty trained.

This won't be, for the most part, a mommy blog. Though, when you are a mommy, it infiltrates every single part of your life. For the most part I want this to be a me blog.

Like Fat Bridesmaid, one of my favorite blogs, I will probably talk about my body and my weight. I am proud to be a big woman, but health is always an issue. Especially when you are as overweight as I am.

I can't believe I'm about to type this, because no one but my doctor knows this... I weigh 365 pounds. At my height it makes me a size 26/28.

Before my daughter was born, I always hovered just under 300, and was about a size 20-22. As anyone who has had a child will tell you, baby weight is a whole other animal. Between that, and the weight I gained when my husband and I separated for 6 months, I am here... 70 pounds above where I want to be, where I was just 4 short years ago.

So this is my journey, this is my life, this is my therapy. I love comments, please feel free. First post down, many many more to go!