Sunday, August 30, 2009

In your own skin.

As you may of guessed from the title, this post is about confidence. And feeling at home in one's own skin. I have always been very comfortable with my body, until this last 60 pounds. Believe it or not, but at 295 and as a size 22 I felt unstopable. I was Big, Beautiful and all woman. I felt like if a guy didn't like my size, well too damn bad for him.

Lately that feeling is a lot harder to come by. With less clothing that fits me well, and a harder time of hiding the bulges and tummy than before, I almost always feel less than worthy of my life. My 110 pound, built husband, my amazing job, I don't feel like I'm deserving of any of it, and might lose it all at any time.

But I think enough is enough. I am really wanting to lose this weight, but what do I do until then? I refuse to be OK with hating myself for the next year. Always saying "when I lose 10 pounds I will..."

Enough! I stole the following pic and article from Becca (go check out her blog, she is amazing)
Now this girl is much prettier and thinner than I am, but it is still so heartening to see someone with a belly in a major national magazine! Hellz yeah!

Her name is Lizzi Miller, and you can find the article about her here. I love it. That belly is so NORMAL. If anything, she's much more toned and smooth than the normal woman. So pretty!

Another thing that helped boost my confidence? DH took me to Lane Bryant this week and let me charge a little bit of happy. I got a few really cute things. The first top was DH's favorite. Said If I wore it to word I'd have to beat the guys off with a stick. God I love that man :D

This dress was my fave find of the night $24 after all the discounts... it's long enough I don't have to wear leggings under it, like many of my other dresses. YAY! I got a great belt to wear with both of these.
Can't find a pic of the belt, buts wide and kind of elasticy and the front has black pleather and studs. Very rocker chic while still work appropriate. The jacket I got is kind of a light blue with white piping blazer style. So cute.

The one thing he made me get was the necklace. I don't usually do so much shiny, but since he was buying I figured I'd better get it. :D

So yeah, two different posts here mashed into one, but the shopping trip with my super sexy husband helped in a lot of ways. Sometimes I forget that he really doesn't care about my size. That not only does he find it sexy that I'm big a beautiful, he really loves ME and not my dress size. How truly blessed I am to have such an enlightened man. I love him!! And he helps me love me.

OK, comment time. How comfortable are you in your skin? Tell me about a time when you felt very confident, or maybe, not so confident. How can we help each other feel more confident? Let's hear it girls!

Friday, August 28, 2009

Domino's Delivers... DOOM!

OK, I'm ready to talk about yesterday.

Have you ever eaten something, that was so disgustingly bad for you, that afterward you actually felt... like a bad person? I mean, more than guilt. More than just... well that's a lot of calories to work off, or "oh there goes my diet." But actually... Bad.

That is how the Domino's Pasta Bowl made me feel.
Behold. The pasta bread bowl. Looks innocent enough right? Well not so. Not only is the pasta swimming in delectably creamy sauce... This particular bad boy has bacon AND chicken in it too. For the most part, I enjoy it. Until I come to the actual bowl part. I've never thought Domino's crust was too greasy. Way better than Pizza Hut (barf) but this bowl, is dripping with grease.

Can I put it down and say, ok that is really bad for me, just throw it away? Nope. I eat almost the whole thing.

I almost made myself sick on this thing. And why? Did I enjoy it? Not particularly. Not when my hand is dripping in orange grease. Blech.

I'm getting nauseated just thinking about it. But I think I need to think about it. Don't shut it in the closet. Open up that embarrassment and really examine it. Then maybe next time, I just won't order the damn thing. *Shudder*

Anyway, today I felt so repentant that I had a slim fast bar for breakfast, red vines for a snack and a salad (with less than two tablespoons of dressing, mind you) for lunch. All-in-all, doing pretty well. And very full I might add.

I just need to celebrate days like today, and remember that those "off the wagon" days happen. They do. Its just food, and it's not my master right?

Ok, really mean comment question this time, but you know... misery loves company. What is an "off the wagon" moment you've had recently? Becca mentioned the two pans of fries. (I hear that sister) What else have you guys been weakened to? Let's let it out, and be stronger than our cravings!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Greasy does it.

What a day.

I ate way too damn much today. Every meal was a lot, and way too greasy. And then in between I snacked on bread, candy and chips. And lots of diet coke.

Oy. Days like this make me feel like I deserve every ounce of fat on my body. I deserve to be morbidly obese. I deserve to be unattractive.

Short post today. Too depressed to be witty. Tomorrow will be better. I hope.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

A Fatty Reminiscing

You know, I never realized I had so much to say about being fat. I guess it's shaped my point of view on the world more than I thought it had.

I think a big part of it, is that I have been overweight my whole life. I was never skinny, or even average, so I have no other way of looking at life. I don't see myself as the skinny person I was, or understand the discrimination. I never got to be on the other end of that... so my point of view is pretty unique.

Although I'm the fattest now that I've ever been, its all just numbers to me. I feel too fat to feel good right now, but 60 pounds ago, although still very much in the "morbidly obese" category, I felt fantastic.

My goal weight is around 300 pounds. For my height, according to the archaic BMI standards I should weigh 155-176, and that's on a large frame.

I think at that weight I'd be sick, and miserable. And that's not an excuse, its reality.

When I was 17 I got sick quite badly. I couldn't eat, and what I did eat came right back up. I got down to 250 pounds (from being about 308) and I looked terrible. Even as I got better, and the weight stayed off for a few months, people told me I looked sick. Drawn. Hollow.

By 18 I had gained back up to about 290 and I felt better, I looked better.

Anyway, sorry to get off on a tangent there. I guess what I'm saying is that I've surprised myself at just how much I have to say on weight. How little I get to say it in my everyday life, and how grateful I am to have a place to share it now. Not to the empty internet, but to a group of lovely people who maybe, can get a little bit of something from me doing it.

Comment time!

What things in your life and shaped and changed your perspective on weight, shape, beauty, and love?

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Hippo in Heels

Last night my husband and I got to go on a (much needed) date out. My fave babysitter M came over and watched my daughter (well, watched movies. The daughter was asleep) while DH and I went out.

Getting dressed up to go out is one of my favorite things to do. Though I don't have a huge selection, I do pride myself on my sense of style, and evenings out are a great venue for things that aren't appropriate for work, and aren't realistic for my mommy duties.

I wore my new Walmart dress (so sexy with the Lane Bryant plunge bra...) leggings and, you guessed it, heels.

Now, you need to know that on top of the fact that I'm fat and tall (5'11) I have abnormally large bones and joints. I once had a sports injury doctor tell me, at the tender age of 15, that I had a knee the same size as a 6'5" basketball player he was treating. He almost mixed up our x-rays. The previous year I thought I'd broken a finger and that x-ray tech said the joints in my fingers were "abnormally large for a girl my age." You know that phrase, big-boned? Turns out I am. Well, and I'm fat too.

Anyway, because of my height and freak-like bone structure, I wear large rings, large bracelets, and very large shoes. Size 11 wide or 12 wide, depending on the store. Yup, that is big.

I have many fat female family members, all of whom, though they are sad at the lack of clothing choices, are thrilled that at the very least, their accessories are good. Jewelry, shoes...

Me? I once again am forced to choose from the "special" aisle at the store. I'm not meaning to whine more (though I'm accomplishing that fairly well..) I just want you to understand why wearing heels (let alone owning heels) is a big deal for me.

Because of the size and make-up of my feet, and my height, I really have never worn heels. Granted I've bought a few pairs, vowed to learn to walk in them, and then had them relegated to the back of my closet. They never fit right, and even when they do, the tendons in my legs are screaming "WTF?" the whole time I wear them.

That is, until this pair of shoes came along. Oh how I love them. Payless special, size 11 Wide. Black, rounded toe, mary-jane strap to keep them on, and only about a 2.5 inch heel. Perfect! My sister bought them for me when I told her I'd tried them on and they were comfy. She had a cow and said "I'm buying these for you NOW!!!"

So last night, I venture out of the house in them. I feel fantastic. Well... sort of. I kind of feel like a Hippo in heels when I wear shoes like that. Not that they aren't great... but think about it: Let's put a 360 pound, 5'11" tall woman into shoes that channel all of that weight into two small dots at the back of these shoes. Yikes!

Even though I'm getting better at walking in them, and not going CLOMP CLOMP, I still feel like at any moment one of the stilts is going to snap and TIMBER... down I will go.

Now that would not be a fun end to the evening. I am not graceful... I do not fall well.

Well, the evening went off without a hitch. I didn't trip or fall once, and even though I was a good 7 inches taller than my husband in them, I felt great.

Note to self: Wear heels more. They make you feel like a normal girl... which is super rare.

Ok, new thing I'm trying out... Comment Questions. I'm going to ask a question at the end of the blog and you answer in the comment section... So Answer! Ready?

Question: What clothes, accessories, or features about yourself make you feel extra sexy/pretty/cute/normal? Is there a certain "it factor" for you that makes you feel less like the token fat girl, and more like a sex symbol? What is it, do you flaunt it, and why is it so special to you?

Alright guys... Fatty out!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Cake Wreck!

If you do not know what Cake Wrecks is... pause. Look over at my blog roll and click on Cake Wrecks. Look around. It's ok... I'll wait.

Still looking? Ok.

Find any good ones? That tie dyed on made me cringe. Imagine the color you're poo would come out!!

OK, enough talk of psychedelic poo. Onto the cake wreck.

The other day was my Mother's birthday. I told her I was going to make her a "wreck-tastic" cake. She squee'd in excitement, for my mom is a big fan of wrecks herself. So... behold. Freelance Fatty's big Wreck:

I took inspiration from several different wrecks. The "inappropriately placed quotation mark" wreck. The misspelled cakes, and the "in pink" cake. All good favorites. Also, a new fave. The turned 20 into 40 cake.

And what are those white things supposed to be? Flowers? Scary blobs? Yep. Awesome.
Also please note the great basket weaving on the sides... overkill if I do say so myself. I was going for the "fugly" vote on that...

Anyway, it was lots of fun, and hopefully mom likes it. Along with her gift (a shovel. She asked for it I promise!!)

Oh, Fat Girl Cake Decorating Tip:

Practice your tips on graham crackers. Then you can eat them later. Awesome. My daughter loved hers. Though more got on her than in her...
Well, enjoy the cakey post. That is all for today. I gotta go bathe the child...

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Commenting Issues

I think I may have fixed the problem, by creating a pop up window for comments... let me know if this works or not... you can email me at if not and let me know.

I really want your comments!!

Puff a Long

This morning I got up, and it was beautiful outside. All the rain we had yesterday really cleared all the pollution out of the air, and it was a cool, crisp, fall-like morning. So we went for a walk.

We loaded my daughter into the big stroller, and went down to our neighbor's to see their animals. We live in a suburban/rural area and our neighbor that's about 1/2 a mile away has deer, sheep, goats and llamas. My daughter loves to go and feed the kids and the goats. The deer are a bit shy, but so beautiful.

After failing to squeeze my ass through the small gap next to the fence, I had to climb an old tree over running irrigation water to get to them. God I hate being fat. Did I mention that my husband weighs 110 on a good day? He's also almost 5 inches shorter than I am. We're a bit of a comic pair...

Anyway, the whole way there is downhill. So the whole way back... uphill. And boy howdy, that stroller gets heavy! DH kept saying he'd take the stroller, as he easily skipped up this murderous hill. Hell no, I said. I'm gonna freaking do this. So I huffed, and puffed and wheezed my way up a 1/2 mile stretch at a steep incline. I couldn't even talk. DH chatted on in my ear as he easily took his body (less than 1/3 the weigh of mine) up that hill while I dragged my pathetic out-of-shape carcass up the hill of doom.

But I did it!! I almost had an asthma attack at the top, but I did it! Now if I could just do it a few times a week... that'd be a great start to me getting my body healthy.

By the way, yesterday for lunch I had fruit, bread and cheese, and for dinner a perfectly sized portion of pork roast and veggies. I'm very proud of my portion sizing. God its hard to have that half empty plate stare back at me. It's like its saying "What are you... a sissy??"

I am stronger than the plate!

Oh, one last thing, I got an ADORABLE dress at Walmart the other day... $18! And I am a super hard-to-fit dress wearer, so I bet it'd fit any of you big girls out there... though if you have large boobs (proud member of the itty bitty titty committee here...) you might want to go a size up. It fits my tiny ones nicely.

Walmart has really stepped up their game as far as plus size fashion goes. A couple years ago, Just My Size came in, but it was almost purely work-out wear and t-shirts. Now its moved into other sports wear, and casual clothes. I really am a Lane Bryant Purest. Or I was... until I got poor. When I worked there the 40% discount helped, but I've gotten too fat for all those old clothes, so now... walmart here I come...

all of the following items are available at and in store.

This is the dress I was talking about... though I have it in purple. I got at least 10 compliments at work friday... good dress. Because I'm tall I wear it with leggings. If you're 5' 9" or shorter the length will probably be fine on you.

This cardigan is SO cute in person. I really really want one. 15 bucks... it would look great over some of my gauzier shirts for winter... (This is the color of my dress btw)

This tunic is AMAZING on. I Tried it, and it was such a toss-up between the dress and this. I think I'll go get it on payday. $15!
Alright, the little girl is asking for some lunch so I better go make it. Talk to you later blog world.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

God it's gorgeous outside

For me, good weather isn't sun. It isn't clear skies and warm breezes. Nope. It is dark, gloomy, cloudy, rainy and windy. And that is what it is outside RIGHT NOW! :)


So I was reading one of FB's friend's blogs. I can't remember which one (if you know, please comment and tell me...) she wrote about a terrible experience she had flying. The whole seat-belt extender thing... God I would have been pissed.

Anyway, I'm terrified about this very thing. I have asked for (and am pretty sure I'm getting) a promotion at work. I'd go from being a Sales Assistant (i.e. Secretary...) to an estimator. I'd be doing work that the MEN at my company do, and getting better pay, more respect and a lot of room for promotion. Hooray right?

Well, yes. And no. The guy in line before me is being trained right now. When he's done I'm up next. And guess what? Week two, he's already flying across the country for bid meetings and plant tours. And I'm freaking terrified.

I don't hate flying or anything. I love to travel, see new places. I'm even one of those weird people who LOVE staying in hotels... it's like an adventure. But how do I tell my employer, that they may have to buy an extra seat for me? How do I sit next to a (male) coworker on a plane and, with any dignity left, request a seat-belt extender? What if I don't fit? Will they pay for me to have two seats?

I don't think so. They just won't send me. And I'll be the liability that can't fly to new sites, because of my weight. God. How pathetic is that?

Will my weight keep me from progressing in my job? Is it really more than self-image and health, is this going to affect my career?


Thursday, August 13, 2009

No Make-Up??

If you've read my first post, you know I'm a Fat Bridesmaid fan. Well her last post was a challenge to post a make-up free portrait. No Photoshop, no make-up. Heck I'm thinking no hairspray or crazy lighting either right? I mean, let's strip naked here and just lean into the fear!

So here is my response to her challenge:

This is me, fresh out of the shower. Freckles, zits and no eyebrows. Viola.

So for the rest of my post....

Today at work was the wellness program Lunch & Learn. They talked about nutrition. It was really interesting, they had a nutritionist come and talk about basic stuff. Not a lot that I didn't already know, but with my newfound outlook, I think I took it more seriously. I hope I did anyway.

I thought maybe I'd start buying fruit and bagging it in little baggies I can take to work easily. Then I can mix and match with veggies for all-day snacks. Because God knows what I eat at work is not often very good for me. Someone is always bringing in donuts, cake, bagels etc.

Anyway, they did a drawing at the end, and I won! I never win anything...

I got a prize bag with some healthy goodies in it. Fantastic! I can put it in my desk for when those donuts show up tomorrow. I just know they will....

Fatty Out!

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Clothing is Such Sweet Sorrow...

God I hate being fat sometimes.

And not for the obvious reasons. Not for those reasons that most people hate it. More than anything, I hate the clothing situation. Now... I know how to dress my big body. I've been doing it for over a decade, and I think I've come to a point where I accept what I have, and hide what I don't really like.

I have very small boobs, and a very large butt. That figure is due, not only to genetics, but to my poly-cystic ovarian syndrome. The hormone imbalance I struggle with keeps my breasts small, and my stomach and hips quite large. Thanks a lot, God.

Anyway, what gets me, is the lack of selection for the big woman. Now, I'm not talking average, or slightly bigger than average, I wear a 26/28, so I know that I'm a BIG girl. But why the hell shouldn't I get to look cute? Isn't my money as good as a girl with a 32 inch waist?

Apparently not. There are only two options when you get to my size. Either you pay an arm and a leg to shop at places like Lane Bryant (my fave...) or Torrid (who actually don't carry 28), or you can try your luck at a plus size department in a regular store. These clothes are usually not in style, not fit to a real woman's body, and not great quality, but the prices are more normal.

The problem with Department/Low End stores is that their idea of a plus size department consists of Stretch pants, jeans with elastic waistbands, t-shirts with Winnie the Poo on them, and sportswear. I can't wear any of those to work. The occasional cute thing will come along and either be too small in the hips, or too short (I'm close to 6' tall btw)

I am a working mom, and as you can imagine, my budget doesn't really allow for much of a clothing allowance for me. 50 bucks a month is pushing it. I can buy 1 shirt at Lane Bryant for that, or three at Walmart, though neither has me particularly happy.

At this point I have 4 shirts I like well enough to wear to work. I work 5 days a week... so I have to repeat, or wear something that makes me feel like a moo cow.

The worst part for me is, I consider myself to have quite a sense of style. (toots own horn) I know that what I wear is boring, old-lady, mommy stuff with no flair. But what can I do? Better it fit well and be boring, than be stylish and have me tugging at it all day right?

So I've tried sewing my own clothes. My mom is a fantastic seamstress. Me? God I'm awful. Tonight I mangled the second project in a row. Too small through the hips, to long in the front, the neck is too small. Just shoot me now.

Why, oh why, is there not a line of clothing priced a little better than Lane Bryant, but just as cute? Torrid's flare for style coupled with Lane Bryant's great fit and all priced at Old Navy prices... It's not impossible. The industry just believes that most women, if they have let themselves get this fat, must not care about their appearance, so why bother. And those that do care... well let's milk them for all they're worth.

I know this has been a bit of a rant, but I believe this is a very real issue. And now that the average size in America is now a 16... I believe that someone going into this niche would make a whole HELL of a lot of money.

Especially from me.


Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Working for the Man

God what a day at work. My crazy coworker "C" is driving me ape-shit as usual. Now, to give you a little history, I have filed two formal complaints against C. My boss J has filed formal complaints, my work buddy Hol has filed one as well. Pretty much, her file is thicker than your typical phone book.

The last time she really crossed me, she got in serious trouble. Was she fired? No. Turns out being at a company for 25 years makes them afraid to fire you.

Anyway, Hol, my other buddy "ICD" and I were bitching about her in the lunchroom today. She's up to her old tricks. See, every time she gets into trouble she turns into "super nice C" and we all get annoyed by the sappy sweetness that lies ahead. Then, when things settle down, and when J is out of town, she goes crazy and becomes the epic bitch again.

She has this way of saying things that completely leave you shocked and speechless. Which is SUPER rare for me. I know you don't know me well (yet) but I am rarely speechless. In fact I'm so good at zinging people, that I often end up sticking my foot in my mouth, and regretting it later.

Well J is out of the office as of Thursday and won't be back for about 2 weeks. It's going to be interesting to say the least. I'll have to blog if anything funny happens. Well, funny to you. Because it's not happening to you!

I've been thinking more and more about bariatric surgery. Topping out at 365 just has me plain old miserable. I can't run around with my daughter, I sweat all the time during the summer... there are so many things that I would do if I were even 50 pounds thinner. And with surgery, I could easily lose 100 pounds. That's crazy to me. If I were 265, I would weigh as much as I did as a 9th grader. I would be about a size 16. Something I have never been in my adult life.

Well I'll keep you posted as to what I do, or think about doing. Any input? Anyone out there have a surgery story? Good or bad I'd love to hear it.


Monday, August 3, 2009


God I hate the first post in a new blog. It's so intimidating. Like a big angry face asking, "Well? What have you got to say for yourself?"

Not much. This is the first blog I've ever written incognito. Usually I write these for my friends and family. Keep up to date, and show them the slightly unstable side of myself that always seems to come out when I'm typing.

I guess the best way to start is to give you a little background about me, before we dive in too deep, right?

Well I am 23 (almost 24!), I am a mother of one, been married for about 3.5 years. Yes, that means I was 20 when I got married, but that is a story for another day. My daughter 2, and we are desperately trying to get her potty trained.

This won't be, for the most part, a mommy blog. Though, when you are a mommy, it infiltrates every single part of your life. For the most part I want this to be a me blog.

Like Fat Bridesmaid, one of my favorite blogs, I will probably talk about my body and my weight. I am proud to be a big woman, but health is always an issue. Especially when you are as overweight as I am.

I can't believe I'm about to type this, because no one but my doctor knows this... I weigh 365 pounds. At my height it makes me a size 26/28.

Before my daughter was born, I always hovered just under 300, and was about a size 20-22. As anyone who has had a child will tell you, baby weight is a whole other animal. Between that, and the weight I gained when my husband and I separated for 6 months, I am here... 70 pounds above where I want to be, where I was just 4 short years ago.

So this is my journey, this is my life, this is my therapy. I love comments, please feel free. First post down, many many more to go!