I made a horrible connection today.
You know how sometimes your brain goes on little journies without you, and you end regaining consciousness in the middle of the weirdest thoughts? No? Ok it's just me I guess...
Anyway, it was a coworker's birthday at work yesterday. (There was pie. It was so good. And it had fruit in it, so it totally didn't count) He was getting razzed because he'd just turned 29. Here comes 30! They kept telling him.
I smiled and began thinking to myself (here goes the train of thought... hang on, its a bumpy ride) I'm going to be 24 in a few weeks... and I so don't care about turning 30. I mean, maybe it'll be worse as I get closer to it, but really, I think a woman who ages gracefully is more beautiful than a young woman. I want to gain maturity, knowledge, maybe even a few smile lines. I mean really, what is the big deal about wrinkles?
I don't need botox, my body is pretty much outside the standard of beauty anyway, what are some lines on my face, my hands, my back or my boobs?
OH MY GOD. I AM GOING TO GET WRINKLES ON MY BOOBS.
At this moment... I became that woman I hate... that woman who dreads age... who cries about getting older. I cannot have wrinkly boobs! That is the worst fate you could wish on someone!
My boobs are my pride and joy. They are the one part of my body, that are plump, pretty and attractive. They fit the "norm" Standard of beauty. Not so big they're saggy, but big enough. And my cleavage is fantastic. Not a day goes by that I don't have someone looking at my chest. I don't mind... its a compliment really.
But what about when they're just as crappy looking as the rest of my body??
I swear to God, I had a breakdown last night thinking about this. I hate that I am that way... but insecurity comes with the uterus.
Anyway I am starting my new regimen of sunscreen asap. No more sun for those babies. They are going to stay creamy alabaster forever!
Comment time: Getting older... how's it feel? What is your biggest fear AND your biggest hope about getting on in years?
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Sorry guys, I promised myself I would update this thing at least twice a week, figuring it'd be good for me to write what I feel down more often. Between the wife hat, the mom hat, the employee hat, the daughter hat, the friend hat and all those other hats I wear, I rarely give myself much time anymore.
I want to talk today about self image. I need to talk about self-image. I don't think my husband truly understands how a woman's mind works sometimes... hell I don't even think I understand it sometimes...
I would most definitely call myself confident. Well, confident-ish. See? Right there... why are we so complicated? I am a big woman. I have a huge ass, flabby stomach and my arms are NOT thin and proportionate. Nope, I'm a big girl. And some days, I don't give a flying (beep) about it. My husband sees me walking around the house in something skimpy, flaunting myself and thinks, wow, she's HOT!
But the next day I may be sitting on the couch wishing my thighs didn't dimple all over, or trying to suck my belly in because I hate how my shirt clings to it. He asks me where's that confident girl who was strutting around in nothing but panties and high heels?
I don't know. I don't know where she goes... and why she leaves a depressed fat girl in her stead. I don't know why one day I look at stick thin women and scoff, thinking I've got a lot to offer myself, AND I don't have to starve. Then the next day I long to fit into something not bought at a specialty store... to throw on whatever's clean and look fantastic...
Why does it go up and down so much? And not just like, normal fluctuations... I mean seriously different. I know that I can feel fabulous and sexy...
I am fabulous and sexy. I know I am. I just forget. A lot.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Man this has been the week from HELL. My daughter is painfully sick with Hand, Foot and Mouth disease. Her mouth is just chock full of big sores that keep her from eating/sleeping and doing anything without whining... "OWIE!"
My nerves are shot, I haven't eaten anything decent or balanced in over a week. I think I'm getting sick myself... Man, being a mom is not for the faint-of-heart. Ok, that was just my little prequel here. Bad week, exhausted, fried. And not the good kind of fried where there is oil. :(
Anyway, as the title alluded to, my work had it's annual health fair this week. To try and encourage everyone to go and participate, they offer prizes if you go to every single booth. This year I was going to try and do it. Participating in the wellness program at work has been pretty good for me, I'm thinking about what I do more, and what I'm eating. Hell, its what got me started writing this blog... a sort of journey journal. :)
I've never gone to every booth before, though this is my third health fair at this company, so I've never been eligible for a prize. I always avoided one booth. The evil booth.
Body fat analysis. Yeah. Fun.
The other booths don't scare me nearly as bad as this one. Cholesterol, check! (160... that's pretty damn fantastic for being 360 lbs eh?) Blood sugar? double check! (79.... that's way at the low end of good, and diabetes runs in my family... so extra good!) Blood pressure? Meh... (138/94... but I do get white coat. If a nurse I Like/know takes it its usually about 130/85ish)
Vision was perfect, stress levels, extraordinarily high, but that's pretty par for me right now... stressful life.
But that damn fat composition booth mocked me. I looked down at my card, every box checked except for that one. No one was around to hear the guy yell out what a fatty I am... so I went for it. Screw it, I thought, I know I'm fat, he knows I'm fat... why not?
I hold onto the little thing, kind of looks like a steering wheel. He enters my height and weight (blush) and beep. It pops up. 47%.
Actually... I was a little happy. I thought it'd be worse really... as much as I weigh I though it'd be 50+. Optimal for a woman is 18-30%. So I'm up there. He talked on and on about how this increases my risk for high cholesterol (hmmm not yet...) diabetes (looking good...) and high blood pressure (my one concern in the near future) and yadda yadda.
Then he says something I've never heard a health professional tell me. He said my optimal weight may be (gasp) about 250 pounds. Because of the percentage at 350, at 250 (mind that's 100 FREAKING pounds) I'd be in great shape. "Most women wouldn't say YAY I'm 250, but for you that could be a great goal." Wow, I actually got a health professional to admit that perhaps, for my height and bone structure that the "optimal" weight of 170 might not be ideal.
So, although I had to sit through a lecture of why I'm going to die because I'm fat/lazy... I also got that great bit of support.
All in all, I think I had a pretty good time. I do often feel like the second these nurses look at me they see a big greasy, cholesterol ridden, diabetes-doomed person... and I don't feel that way at all. Obviously I'm doing good for now, trying to be better... how do you show that to people?
I guess you can't. You just have to let them judge you on your looks.
Comment time! Do you feel like when you deal with health professionals, they are quick to assume that you are unhealthy, because of your size/body? Do you think that thinner people, though plagued with some of the same ailments, are more likely "innocent until proven guilty," while chubbier gals get the immediate diagnosis?
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Ok guys, I'm sorry!
I haven't posted in a while, and I hate to leave you hanging. Life has been incredibly stressful to say the least. To top it off, my computer SPLODED last week. Like, just died. So with the incredible help of the guys at PC Help Forum (you can donate to the guys who help you, which is great...) I got the computer fixed. I still have NO idea how every option got turned off on my computer, but I probably did it to myself. Knowing me....
Anyway the stress. Stress = Stress Eating. But I'm kinda funny about that too, I have to reach a certain level of equalibrium in order to maximize stress eating. If I'm not stressed enough, well then I'm just regular eating for the most part. Too stressed and I stop eating. Yeah, that's right... I actually don't want to eat. I know... I never thought I'd be that way.
In High School, I went through a year of terrible stress. I was in therapy, on anti-deppresants, you name it. During that time I developed IBS. Google it... I don't wanna talk about what it means. Anyway, since I wasn't absorbing any of the food I ate, I lost tons of weight, in a bad way. I also got to a point where I just didn't WANT to eat. Now, when the heavy stress hits, I go back to that habit.
I seem to be going back and forth for the last couple weeks. One day I'm pigging out... the next I eat a bowl of cereal then forget to eat the rest of the day... At least I'm maintaining most of that 10 pounds I lost last week.
I guess I'm just rambling here, but stress-eating is a big problem for me. I definitely tell myself it's ok to keep eating because I'm sad/down/stressed and I "deserve" it. It's how I was taught to pamper myself. In my family if we achieved something, or needed comfort we didn't get a haircut, or a toy, or even just special attention. We got food. It was how we celebrated everything. And now, I am a total emotional eater. Blah.
I really want to break that cycle with my daughter. She gets treats for going potty, but other achievements or good behavior I try verbal praise and hugs and dancing. Dancing is a great reward I think. :)
Ok, comment time. Are you an emotional/stress eater? If so, what are your triggers? Was this learned from your family, or later in life?
Monday, September 7, 2009
Today is the glorious THIRD day of my weekend. Thank goodness for three day weekends. I'm truly excited for the holiday season this year, because my work finally gave in (after crazy low attendance) and gave us the day after Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve off.
We used to get two hours off on Christmas Eve, that's it. But since most people just didn't come in those two days we get em off now. Woohoo!
That's not the only reason I'm excited... We have our own house for the first time since my husband and I got married. That means a bigger tree! (Does a happy little crafter's dance) I get to decorate it and everything. Oh and Lights!
Only downside? Food. There is SO much food that time of year. And if you work in an office like I do, you know that everybody's wife is smart enough to say "Take this to work or I'll just eat it all!" Well guess who's at work? ME! This year I vow to only eat what looks crazy fantastic, and to keep my portions small. I don't NEED 20 bland boring butter cookies. Right?
I have to allow myself to have a little bit of fun and freedom with food, otherwise I get depressed and eat like... the butter out of my fridge.
On top of all of it... It gets so cold and snowy hear I just slug around the house most of the day.
Maybe when we get our mondo tax return I'll buy a wii fit. That will get me moving in the coldest of days...
Ok, comment time after the short post. Are you getting excited for the Holiday Season coming, or are you (like me) worried about impending weight gain??
Friday, September 4, 2009
So this morning, I stepped on the scale.
That statement may not seem much to you, but I'm not a frequent weigh-er. For one thing, its depressing and makes me feel less confident all day, and for another, I haven't gained any weight for the past year or so. Up two pounds, down two pounds etc.
So this morning, full of sheer morbid curiosity (and wondering if that damn pasta bowl completely screwed me over...) I stepped onto the scale.
Lo and Behold... I have lost 10 pounds since the last time my curiosity got ahold of me (which was almost two weeks ago, I was going clothing shopping and just had to kill my confidence before I went...)
10 pounds! Actually its 11, but I always hover between 363 and 365 so that 1-2 pounds is usually water. And guess what? 354.
I haven't weighed that in just under a year, when I was working to renovate a house and just worked my ass off. Literally.
I think it's probably the stress from what's going on in life. Money issues, friend issues. Etc. But also lately I've just been too lazy to eat. I know that sounds funny, but it's true. I just don't have the energy to go and make some big fattening dinner (like a butter and egg sandwich. Yeah, that used to be a favorite) so I eat a string-cheese and go to bed.
Hum. Well my clothes aren't fitting too differently, so Its just a small change (10/360 is not the same ratio as 10/180!!!) but still awesome for me.
Anyway I best get back to work. I work hard for that money.
Oh I'm wearing that awesome blue/black/white dress today from my last post. SMOKIN!