Big Beautiful Wuss

Sorry guys, I promised myself I would update this thing at least twice a week, figuring it'd be good for me to write what I feel down more often. Between the wife hat, the mom hat, the employee hat, the daughter hat, the friend hat and all those other hats I wear, I rarely give myself much time anymore.

I want to talk today about self image. I need to talk about self-image. I don't think my husband truly understands how a woman's mind works sometimes... hell I don't even think I understand it sometimes...

I would most definitely call myself confident. Well, confident-ish. See? Right there... why are we so complicated? I am a big woman. I have a huge ass, flabby stomach and my arms are NOT thin and proportionate. Nope, I'm a big girl. And some days, I don't give a flying (beep) about it. My husband sees me walking around the house in something skimpy, flaunting myself and thinks, wow, she's HOT!

But the next day I may be sitting on the couch wishing my thighs didn't dimple all over, or trying to suck my belly in because I hate how my shirt clings to it. He asks me where's that confident girl who was strutting around in nothing but panties and high heels?

I don't know. I don't know where she goes... and why she leaves a depressed fat girl in her stead. I don't know why one day I look at stick thin women and scoff, thinking I've got a lot to offer myself, AND I don't have to starve. Then the next day I long to fit into something not bought at a specialty store... to throw on whatever's clean and look fantastic...

Why does it go up and down so much? And not just like, normal fluctuations... I mean seriously different. I know that I can feel fabulous and sexy...

I am fabulous and sexy. I know I am. I just forget. A lot.

In your own skin.

As you may of guessed from the title, this post is about confidence. And feeling at home in one's own skin. I have always been very comfortable with my body, until this last 60 pounds. Believe it or not, but at 295 and as a size 22 I felt unstopable. I was Big, Beautiful and all woman. I felt like if a guy didn't like my size, well too damn bad for him.

Lately that feeling is a lot harder to come by. With less clothing that fits me well, and a harder time of hiding the bulges and tummy than before, I almost always feel less than worthy of my life. My 110 pound, built husband, my amazing job, I don't feel like I'm deserving of any of it, and might lose it all at any time.

But I think enough is enough. I am really wanting to lose this weight, but what do I do until then? I refuse to be OK with hating myself for the next year. Always saying "when I lose 10 pounds I will..."

Enough! I stole the following pic and article from Becca (go check out her blog, she is amazing)
Now this girl is much prettier and thinner than I am, but it is still so heartening to see someone with a belly in a major national magazine! Hellz yeah!

Her name is Lizzi Miller, and you can find the article about her here. I love it. That belly is so NORMAL. If anything, she's much more toned and smooth than the normal woman. So pretty!

Another thing that helped boost my confidence? DH took me to Lane Bryant this week and let me charge a little bit of happy. I got a few really cute things. The first top was DH's favorite. Said If I wore it to word I'd have to beat the guys off with a stick. God I love that man :D

This dress was my fave find of the night $24 after all the discounts... it's long enough I don't have to wear leggings under it, like many of my other dresses. YAY! I got a great belt to wear with both of these.
Can't find a pic of the belt, buts wide and kind of elasticy and the front has black pleather and studs. Very rocker chic while still work appropriate. The jacket I got is kind of a light blue with white piping blazer style. So cute.

The one thing he made me get was the necklace. I don't usually do so much shiny, but since he was buying I figured I'd better get it. :D

So yeah, two different posts here mashed into one, but the shopping trip with my super sexy husband helped in a lot of ways. Sometimes I forget that he really doesn't care about my size. That not only does he find it sexy that I'm big a beautiful, he really loves ME and not my dress size. How truly blessed I am to have such an enlightened man. I love him!! And he helps me love me.

OK, comment time. How comfortable are you in your skin? Tell me about a time when you felt very confident, or maybe, not so confident. How can we help each other feel more confident? Let's hear it girls!

Hippo in Heels

Last night my husband and I got to go on a (much needed) date out. My fave babysitter M came over and watched my daughter (well, watched movies. The daughter was asleep) while DH and I went out.

Getting dressed up to go out is one of my favorite things to do. Though I don't have a huge selection, I do pride myself on my sense of style, and evenings out are a great venue for things that aren't appropriate for work, and aren't realistic for my mommy duties.

I wore my new Walmart dress (so sexy with the Lane Bryant plunge bra...) leggings and, you guessed it, heels.

Now, you need to know that on top of the fact that I'm fat and tall (5'11) I have abnormally large bones and joints. I once had a sports injury doctor tell me, at the tender age of 15, that I had a knee the same size as a 6'5" basketball player he was treating. He almost mixed up our x-rays. The previous year I thought I'd broken a finger and that x-ray tech said the joints in my fingers were "abnormally large for a girl my age." You know that phrase, big-boned? Turns out I am. Well, and I'm fat too.

Anyway, because of my height and freak-like bone structure, I wear large rings, large bracelets, and very large shoes. Size 11 wide or 12 wide, depending on the store. Yup, that is big.

I have many fat female family members, all of whom, though they are sad at the lack of clothing choices, are thrilled that at the very least, their accessories are good. Jewelry, shoes...

Me? I once again am forced to choose from the "special" aisle at the store. I'm not meaning to whine more (though I'm accomplishing that fairly well..) I just want you to understand why wearing heels (let alone owning heels) is a big deal for me.

Because of the size and make-up of my feet, and my height, I really have never worn heels. Granted I've bought a few pairs, vowed to learn to walk in them, and then had them relegated to the back of my closet. They never fit right, and even when they do, the tendons in my legs are screaming "WTF?" the whole time I wear them.

That is, until this pair of shoes came along. Oh how I love them. Payless special, size 11 Wide. Black, rounded toe, mary-jane strap to keep them on, and only about a 2.5 inch heel. Perfect! My sister bought them for me when I told her I'd tried them on and they were comfy. She had a cow and said "I'm buying these for you NOW!!!"

So last night, I venture out of the house in them. I feel fantastic. Well... sort of. I kind of feel like a Hippo in heels when I wear shoes like that. Not that they aren't great... but think about it: Let's put a 360 pound, 5'11" tall woman into shoes that channel all of that weight into two small dots at the back of these shoes. Yikes!

Even though I'm getting better at walking in them, and not going CLOMP CLOMP, I still feel like at any moment one of the stilts is going to snap and TIMBER... down I will go.

Now that would not be a fun end to the evening. I am not graceful... I do not fall well.

Well, the evening went off without a hitch. I didn't trip or fall once, and even though I was a good 7 inches taller than my husband in them, I felt great.

Note to self: Wear heels more. They make you feel like a normal girl... which is super rare.

Ok, new thing I'm trying out... Comment Questions. I'm going to ask a question at the end of the blog and you answer in the comment section... So Answer! Ready?

Question: What clothes, accessories, or features about yourself make you feel extra sexy/pretty/cute/normal? Is there a certain "it factor" for you that makes you feel less like the token fat girl, and more like a sex symbol? What is it, do you flaunt it, and why is it so special to you?

Alright guys... Fatty out!

Pressure

God I hate the first post in a new blog. It's so intimidating. Like a big angry face asking, "Well? What have you got to say for yourself?"

Not much. This is the first blog I've ever written incognito. Usually I write these for my friends and family. Keep up to date, and show them the slightly unstable side of myself that always seems to come out when I'm typing.

I guess the best way to start is to give you a little background about me, before we dive in too deep, right?

Well I am 23 (almost 24!), I am a mother of one, been married for about 3.5 years. Yes, that means I was 20 when I got married, but that is a story for another day. My daughter 2, and we are desperately trying to get her potty trained.

This won't be, for the most part, a mommy blog. Though, when you are a mommy, it infiltrates every single part of your life. For the most part I want this to be a me blog.

Like Fat Bridesmaid, one of my favorite blogs, I will probably talk about my body and my weight. I am proud to be a big woman, but health is always an issue. Especially when you are as overweight as I am.

I can't believe I'm about to type this, because no one but my doctor knows this... I weigh 365 pounds. At my height it makes me a size 26/28.

Before my daughter was born, I always hovered just under 300, and was about a size 20-22. As anyone who has had a child will tell you, baby weight is a whole other animal. Between that, and the weight I gained when my husband and I separated for 6 months, I am here... 70 pounds above where I want to be, where I was just 4 short years ago.

So this is my journey, this is my life, this is my therapy. I love comments, please feel free. First post down, many many more to go!