In your own skin.

As you may of guessed from the title, this post is about confidence. And feeling at home in one's own skin. I have always been very comfortable with my body, until this last 60 pounds. Believe it or not, but at 295 and as a size 22 I felt unstopable. I was Big, Beautiful and all woman. I felt like if a guy didn't like my size, well too damn bad for him.

Lately that feeling is a lot harder to come by. With less clothing that fits me well, and a harder time of hiding the bulges and tummy than before, I almost always feel less than worthy of my life. My 110 pound, built husband, my amazing job, I don't feel like I'm deserving of any of it, and might lose it all at any time.

But I think enough is enough. I am really wanting to lose this weight, but what do I do until then? I refuse to be OK with hating myself for the next year. Always saying "when I lose 10 pounds I will..."

Enough! I stole the following pic and article from Becca (go check out her blog, she is amazing)
Now this girl is much prettier and thinner than I am, but it is still so heartening to see someone with a belly in a major national magazine! Hellz yeah!

Her name is Lizzi Miller, and you can find the article about her here. I love it. That belly is so NORMAL. If anything, she's much more toned and smooth than the normal woman. So pretty!

Another thing that helped boost my confidence? DH took me to Lane Bryant this week and let me charge a little bit of happy. I got a few really cute things. The first top was DH's favorite. Said If I wore it to word I'd have to beat the guys off with a stick. God I love that man :D

This dress was my fave find of the night $24 after all the discounts... it's long enough I don't have to wear leggings under it, like many of my other dresses. YAY! I got a great belt to wear with both of these.
Can't find a pic of the belt, buts wide and kind of elasticy and the front has black pleather and studs. Very rocker chic while still work appropriate. The jacket I got is kind of a light blue with white piping blazer style. So cute.

The one thing he made me get was the necklace. I don't usually do so much shiny, but since he was buying I figured I'd better get it. :D

So yeah, two different posts here mashed into one, but the shopping trip with my super sexy husband helped in a lot of ways. Sometimes I forget that he really doesn't care about my size. That not only does he find it sexy that I'm big a beautiful, he really loves ME and not my dress size. How truly blessed I am to have such an enlightened man. I love him!! And he helps me love me.

OK, comment time. How comfortable are you in your skin? Tell me about a time when you felt very confident, or maybe, not so confident. How can we help each other feel more confident? Let's hear it girls!

Hippo in Heels

Last night my husband and I got to go on a (much needed) date out. My fave babysitter M came over and watched my daughter (well, watched movies. The daughter was asleep) while DH and I went out.

Getting dressed up to go out is one of my favorite things to do. Though I don't have a huge selection, I do pride myself on my sense of style, and evenings out are a great venue for things that aren't appropriate for work, and aren't realistic for my mommy duties.

I wore my new Walmart dress (so sexy with the Lane Bryant plunge bra...) leggings and, you guessed it, heels.

Now, you need to know that on top of the fact that I'm fat and tall (5'11) I have abnormally large bones and joints. I once had a sports injury doctor tell me, at the tender age of 15, that I had a knee the same size as a 6'5" basketball player he was treating. He almost mixed up our x-rays. The previous year I thought I'd broken a finger and that x-ray tech said the joints in my fingers were "abnormally large for a girl my age." You know that phrase, big-boned? Turns out I am. Well, and I'm fat too.

Anyway, because of my height and freak-like bone structure, I wear large rings, large bracelets, and very large shoes. Size 11 wide or 12 wide, depending on the store. Yup, that is big.

I have many fat female family members, all of whom, though they are sad at the lack of clothing choices, are thrilled that at the very least, their accessories are good. Jewelry, shoes...

Me? I once again am forced to choose from the "special" aisle at the store. I'm not meaning to whine more (though I'm accomplishing that fairly well..) I just want you to understand why wearing heels (let alone owning heels) is a big deal for me.

Because of the size and make-up of my feet, and my height, I really have never worn heels. Granted I've bought a few pairs, vowed to learn to walk in them, and then had them relegated to the back of my closet. They never fit right, and even when they do, the tendons in my legs are screaming "WTF?" the whole time I wear them.

That is, until this pair of shoes came along. Oh how I love them. Payless special, size 11 Wide. Black, rounded toe, mary-jane strap to keep them on, and only about a 2.5 inch heel. Perfect! My sister bought them for me when I told her I'd tried them on and they were comfy. She had a cow and said "I'm buying these for you NOW!!!"

So last night, I venture out of the house in them. I feel fantastic. Well... sort of. I kind of feel like a Hippo in heels when I wear shoes like that. Not that they aren't great... but think about it: Let's put a 360 pound, 5'11" tall woman into shoes that channel all of that weight into two small dots at the back of these shoes. Yikes!

Even though I'm getting better at walking in them, and not going CLOMP CLOMP, I still feel like at any moment one of the stilts is going to snap and TIMBER... down I will go.

Now that would not be a fun end to the evening. I am not graceful... I do not fall well.

Well, the evening went off without a hitch. I didn't trip or fall once, and even though I was a good 7 inches taller than my husband in them, I felt great.

Note to self: Wear heels more. They make you feel like a normal girl... which is super rare.

Ok, new thing I'm trying out... Comment Questions. I'm going to ask a question at the end of the blog and you answer in the comment section... So Answer! Ready?

Question: What clothes, accessories, or features about yourself make you feel extra sexy/pretty/cute/normal? Is there a certain "it factor" for you that makes you feel less like the token fat girl, and more like a sex symbol? What is it, do you flaunt it, and why is it so special to you?

Alright guys... Fatty out!

Puff a Long

This morning I got up, and it was beautiful outside. All the rain we had yesterday really cleared all the pollution out of the air, and it was a cool, crisp, fall-like morning. So we went for a walk.

We loaded my daughter into the big stroller, and went down to our neighbor's to see their animals. We live in a suburban/rural area and our neighbor that's about 1/2 a mile away has deer, sheep, goats and llamas. My daughter loves to go and feed the kids and the goats. The deer are a bit shy, but so beautiful.

After failing to squeeze my ass through the small gap next to the fence, I had to climb an old tree over running irrigation water to get to them. God I hate being fat. Did I mention that my husband weighs 110 on a good day? He's also almost 5 inches shorter than I am. We're a bit of a comic pair...

Anyway, the whole way there is downhill. So the whole way back... uphill. And boy howdy, that stroller gets heavy! DH kept saying he'd take the stroller, as he easily skipped up this murderous hill. Hell no, I said. I'm gonna freaking do this. So I huffed, and puffed and wheezed my way up a 1/2 mile stretch at a steep incline. I couldn't even talk. DH chatted on in my ear as he easily took his body (less than 1/3 the weigh of mine) up that hill while I dragged my pathetic out-of-shape carcass up the hill of doom.

But I did it!! I almost had an asthma attack at the top, but I did it! Now if I could just do it a few times a week... that'd be a great start to me getting my body healthy.

By the way, yesterday for lunch I had fruit, bread and cheese, and for dinner a perfectly sized portion of pork roast and veggies. I'm very proud of my portion sizing. God its hard to have that half empty plate stare back at me. It's like its saying "What are you... a sissy??"

I am stronger than the plate!

Oh, one last thing, I got an ADORABLE dress at Walmart the other day... $18! And I am a super hard-to-fit dress wearer, so I bet it'd fit any of you big girls out there... though if you have large boobs (proud member of the itty bitty titty committee here...) you might want to go a size up. It fits my tiny ones nicely.

Walmart has really stepped up their game as far as plus size fashion goes. A couple years ago, Just My Size came in, but it was almost purely work-out wear and t-shirts. Now its moved into other sports wear, and casual clothes. I really am a Lane Bryant Purest. Or I was... until I got poor. When I worked there the 40% discount helped, but I've gotten too fat for all those old clothes, so now... walmart here I come...

all of the following items are available at www.walmart.com and in store.

This is the dress I was talking about... though I have it in purple. I got at least 10 compliments at work friday... good dress. Because I'm tall I wear it with leggings. If you're 5' 9" or shorter the length will probably be fine on you.


This cardigan is SO cute in person. I really really want one. 15 bucks... it would look great over some of my gauzier shirts for winter... (This is the color of my dress btw)

This tunic is AMAZING on. I Tried it, and it was such a toss-up between the dress and this. I think I'll go get it on payday. $15!
Alright, the little girl is asking for some lunch so I better go make it. Talk to you later blog world.