Big Beautiful Wuss

Sorry guys, I promised myself I would update this thing at least twice a week, figuring it'd be good for me to write what I feel down more often. Between the wife hat, the mom hat, the employee hat, the daughter hat, the friend hat and all those other hats I wear, I rarely give myself much time anymore.

I want to talk today about self image. I need to talk about self-image. I don't think my husband truly understands how a woman's mind works sometimes... hell I don't even think I understand it sometimes...

I would most definitely call myself confident. Well, confident-ish. See? Right there... why are we so complicated? I am a big woman. I have a huge ass, flabby stomach and my arms are NOT thin and proportionate. Nope, I'm a big girl. And some days, I don't give a flying (beep) about it. My husband sees me walking around the house in something skimpy, flaunting myself and thinks, wow, she's HOT!

But the next day I may be sitting on the couch wishing my thighs didn't dimple all over, or trying to suck my belly in because I hate how my shirt clings to it. He asks me where's that confident girl who was strutting around in nothing but panties and high heels?

I don't know. I don't know where she goes... and why she leaves a depressed fat girl in her stead. I don't know why one day I look at stick thin women and scoff, thinking I've got a lot to offer myself, AND I don't have to starve. Then the next day I long to fit into something not bought at a specialty store... to throw on whatever's clean and look fantastic...

Why does it go up and down so much? And not just like, normal fluctuations... I mean seriously different. I know that I can feel fabulous and sexy...

I am fabulous and sexy. I know I am. I just forget. A lot.

Health UN-Fair

Man this has been the week from HELL. My daughter is painfully sick with Hand, Foot and Mouth disease. Her mouth is just chock full of big sores that keep her from eating/sleeping and doing anything without whining... "OWIE!"

My nerves are shot, I haven't eaten anything decent or balanced in over a week. I think I'm getting sick myself... Man, being a mom is not for the faint-of-heart. Ok, that was just my little prequel here. Bad week, exhausted, fried. And not the good kind of fried where there is oil. :(

Anyway, as the title alluded to, my work had it's annual health fair this week. To try and encourage everyone to go and participate, they offer prizes if you go to every single booth. This year I was going to try and do it. Participating in the wellness program at work has been pretty good for me, I'm thinking about what I do more, and what I'm eating. Hell, its what got me started writing this blog... a sort of journey journal. :)

I've never gone to every booth before, though this is my third health fair at this company, so I've never been eligible for a prize. I always avoided one booth. The evil booth.

Body fat analysis. Yeah. Fun.

The other booths don't scare me nearly as bad as this one. Cholesterol, check! (160... that's pretty damn fantastic for being 360 lbs eh?) Blood sugar? double check! (79.... that's way at the low end of good, and diabetes runs in my family... so extra good!) Blood pressure? Meh... (138/94... but I do get white coat. If a nurse I Like/know takes it its usually about 130/85ish)

Vision was perfect, stress levels, extraordinarily high, but that's pretty par for me right now... stressful life.

But that damn fat composition booth mocked me. I looked down at my card, every box checked except for that one. No one was around to hear the guy yell out what a fatty I am... so I went for it. Screw it, I thought, I know I'm fat, he knows I'm fat... why not?

I hold onto the little thing, kind of looks like a steering wheel. He enters my height and weight (blush) and beep. It pops up. 47%.

Actually... I was a little happy. I thought it'd be worse really... as much as I weigh I though it'd be 50+. Optimal for a woman is 18-30%. So I'm up there. He talked on and on about how this increases my risk for high cholesterol (hmmm not yet...) diabetes (looking good...) and high blood pressure (my one concern in the near future) and yadda yadda.

Then he says something I've never heard a health professional tell me. He said my optimal weight may be (gasp) about 250 pounds. Because of the percentage at 350, at 250 (mind that's 100 FREAKING pounds) I'd be in great shape. "Most women wouldn't say YAY I'm 250, but for you that could be a great goal." Wow, I actually got a health professional to admit that perhaps, for my height and bone structure that the "optimal" weight of 170 might not be ideal.

So, although I had to sit through a lecture of why I'm going to die because I'm fat/lazy... I also got that great bit of support.

All in all, I think I had a pretty good time. I do often feel like the second these nurses look at me they see a big greasy, cholesterol ridden, diabetes-doomed person... and I don't feel that way at all. Obviously I'm doing good for now, trying to be better... how do you show that to people?

I guess you can't. You just have to let them judge you on your looks.

Comment time! Do you feel like when you deal with health professionals, they are quick to assume that you are unhealthy, because of your size/body? Do you think that thinner people, though plagued with some of the same ailments, are more likely "innocent until proven guilty," while chubbier gals get the immediate diagnosis?

My computer Crashed, I swear!!

Ok guys, I'm sorry!

I haven't posted in a while, and I hate to leave you hanging. Life has been incredibly stressful to say the least. To top it off, my computer SPLODED last week. Like, just died. So with the incredible help of the guys at PC Help Forum (you can donate to the guys who help you, which is great...) I got the computer fixed. I still have NO idea how every option got turned off on my computer, but I probably did it to myself. Knowing me....

Anyway the stress. Stress = Stress Eating. But I'm kinda funny about that too, I have to reach a certain level of equalibrium in order to maximize stress eating. If I'm not stressed enough, well then I'm just regular eating for the most part. Too stressed and I stop eating. Yeah, that's right... I actually don't want to eat. I know... I never thought I'd be that way.

In High School, I went through a year of terrible stress. I was in therapy, on anti-deppresants, you name it. During that time I developed IBS. Google it... I don't wanna talk about what it means. Anyway, since I wasn't absorbing any of the food I ate, I lost tons of weight, in a bad way. I also got to a point where I just didn't WANT to eat. Now, when the heavy stress hits, I go back to that habit.

I seem to be going back and forth for the last couple weeks. One day I'm pigging out... the next I eat a bowl of cereal then forget to eat the rest of the day... At least I'm maintaining most of that 10 pounds I lost last week.

I guess I'm just rambling here, but stress-eating is a big problem for me. I definitely tell myself it's ok to keep eating because I'm sad/down/stressed and I "deserve" it. It's how I was taught to pamper myself. In my family if we achieved something, or needed comfort we didn't get a haircut, or a toy, or even just special attention. We got food. It was how we celebrated everything. And now, I am a total emotional eater. Blah.

I really want to break that cycle with my daughter. She gets treats for going potty, but other achievements or good behavior I try verbal praise and hugs and dancing. Dancing is a great reward I think. :)

Ok, comment time. Are you an emotional/stress eater? If so, what are your triggers? Was this learned from your family, or later in life?

What the F@#&?

So this morning, I stepped on the scale.

That statement may not seem much to you, but I'm not a frequent weigh-er. For one thing, its depressing and makes me feel less confident all day, and for another, I haven't gained any weight for the past year or so. Up two pounds, down two pounds etc.

So this morning, full of sheer morbid curiosity (and wondering if that damn pasta bowl completely screwed me over...) I stepped onto the scale.

Lo and Behold... I have lost 10 pounds since the last time my curiosity got ahold of me (which was almost two weeks ago, I was going clothing shopping and just had to kill my confidence before I went...)

10 pounds! Actually its 11, but I always hover between 363 and 365 so that 1-2 pounds is usually water. And guess what? 354.

I haven't weighed that in just under a year, when I was working to renovate a house and just worked my ass off. Literally.

I think it's probably the stress from what's going on in life. Money issues, friend issues. Etc. But also lately I've just been too lazy to eat. I know that sounds funny, but it's true. I just don't have the energy to go and make some big fattening dinner (like a butter and egg sandwich. Yeah, that used to be a favorite) so I eat a string-cheese and go to bed.

Hum. Well my clothes aren't fitting too differently, so Its just a small change (10/360 is not the same ratio as 10/180!!!) but still awesome for me.

Anyway I best get back to work. I work hard for that money.

Oh I'm wearing that awesome blue/black/white dress today from my last post. SMOKIN!

Bye!

A Fatty Reminiscing

You know, I never realized I had so much to say about being fat. I guess it's shaped my point of view on the world more than I thought it had.

I think a big part of it, is that I have been overweight my whole life. I was never skinny, or even average, so I have no other way of looking at life. I don't see myself as the skinny person I was, or understand the discrimination. I never got to be on the other end of that... so my point of view is pretty unique.

Although I'm the fattest now that I've ever been, its all just numbers to me. I feel too fat to feel good right now, but 60 pounds ago, although still very much in the "morbidly obese" category, I felt fantastic.

My goal weight is around 300 pounds. For my height, according to the archaic BMI standards I should weigh 155-176, and that's on a large frame.

I think at that weight I'd be sick, and miserable. And that's not an excuse, its reality.

When I was 17 I got sick quite badly. I couldn't eat, and what I did eat came right back up. I got down to 250 pounds (from being about 308) and I looked terrible. Even as I got better, and the weight stayed off for a few months, people told me I looked sick. Drawn. Hollow.

By 18 I had gained back up to about 290 and I felt better, I looked better.

Anyway, sorry to get off on a tangent there. I guess what I'm saying is that I've surprised myself at just how much I have to say on weight. How little I get to say it in my everyday life, and how grateful I am to have a place to share it now. Not to the empty internet, but to a group of lovely people who maybe, can get a little bit of something from me doing it.

Comment time!

What things in your life and shaped and changed your perspective on weight, shape, beauty, and love?

Hippo in Heels

Last night my husband and I got to go on a (much needed) date out. My fave babysitter M came over and watched my daughter (well, watched movies. The daughter was asleep) while DH and I went out.

Getting dressed up to go out is one of my favorite things to do. Though I don't have a huge selection, I do pride myself on my sense of style, and evenings out are a great venue for things that aren't appropriate for work, and aren't realistic for my mommy duties.

I wore my new Walmart dress (so sexy with the Lane Bryant plunge bra...) leggings and, you guessed it, heels.

Now, you need to know that on top of the fact that I'm fat and tall (5'11) I have abnormally large bones and joints. I once had a sports injury doctor tell me, at the tender age of 15, that I had a knee the same size as a 6'5" basketball player he was treating. He almost mixed up our x-rays. The previous year I thought I'd broken a finger and that x-ray tech said the joints in my fingers were "abnormally large for a girl my age." You know that phrase, big-boned? Turns out I am. Well, and I'm fat too.

Anyway, because of my height and freak-like bone structure, I wear large rings, large bracelets, and very large shoes. Size 11 wide or 12 wide, depending on the store. Yup, that is big.

I have many fat female family members, all of whom, though they are sad at the lack of clothing choices, are thrilled that at the very least, their accessories are good. Jewelry, shoes...

Me? I once again am forced to choose from the "special" aisle at the store. I'm not meaning to whine more (though I'm accomplishing that fairly well..) I just want you to understand why wearing heels (let alone owning heels) is a big deal for me.

Because of the size and make-up of my feet, and my height, I really have never worn heels. Granted I've bought a few pairs, vowed to learn to walk in them, and then had them relegated to the back of my closet. They never fit right, and even when they do, the tendons in my legs are screaming "WTF?" the whole time I wear them.

That is, until this pair of shoes came along. Oh how I love them. Payless special, size 11 Wide. Black, rounded toe, mary-jane strap to keep them on, and only about a 2.5 inch heel. Perfect! My sister bought them for me when I told her I'd tried them on and they were comfy. She had a cow and said "I'm buying these for you NOW!!!"

So last night, I venture out of the house in them. I feel fantastic. Well... sort of. I kind of feel like a Hippo in heels when I wear shoes like that. Not that they aren't great... but think about it: Let's put a 360 pound, 5'11" tall woman into shoes that channel all of that weight into two small dots at the back of these shoes. Yikes!

Even though I'm getting better at walking in them, and not going CLOMP CLOMP, I still feel like at any moment one of the stilts is going to snap and TIMBER... down I will go.

Now that would not be a fun end to the evening. I am not graceful... I do not fall well.

Well, the evening went off without a hitch. I didn't trip or fall once, and even though I was a good 7 inches taller than my husband in them, I felt great.

Note to self: Wear heels more. They make you feel like a normal girl... which is super rare.

Ok, new thing I'm trying out... Comment Questions. I'm going to ask a question at the end of the blog and you answer in the comment section... So Answer! Ready?

Question: What clothes, accessories, or features about yourself make you feel extra sexy/pretty/cute/normal? Is there a certain "it factor" for you that makes you feel less like the token fat girl, and more like a sex symbol? What is it, do you flaunt it, and why is it so special to you?

Alright guys... Fatty out!

Puff a Long

This morning I got up, and it was beautiful outside. All the rain we had yesterday really cleared all the pollution out of the air, and it was a cool, crisp, fall-like morning. So we went for a walk.

We loaded my daughter into the big stroller, and went down to our neighbor's to see their animals. We live in a suburban/rural area and our neighbor that's about 1/2 a mile away has deer, sheep, goats and llamas. My daughter loves to go and feed the kids and the goats. The deer are a bit shy, but so beautiful.

After failing to squeeze my ass through the small gap next to the fence, I had to climb an old tree over running irrigation water to get to them. God I hate being fat. Did I mention that my husband weighs 110 on a good day? He's also almost 5 inches shorter than I am. We're a bit of a comic pair...

Anyway, the whole way there is downhill. So the whole way back... uphill. And boy howdy, that stroller gets heavy! DH kept saying he'd take the stroller, as he easily skipped up this murderous hill. Hell no, I said. I'm gonna freaking do this. So I huffed, and puffed and wheezed my way up a 1/2 mile stretch at a steep incline. I couldn't even talk. DH chatted on in my ear as he easily took his body (less than 1/3 the weigh of mine) up that hill while I dragged my pathetic out-of-shape carcass up the hill of doom.

But I did it!! I almost had an asthma attack at the top, but I did it! Now if I could just do it a few times a week... that'd be a great start to me getting my body healthy.

By the way, yesterday for lunch I had fruit, bread and cheese, and for dinner a perfectly sized portion of pork roast and veggies. I'm very proud of my portion sizing. God its hard to have that half empty plate stare back at me. It's like its saying "What are you... a sissy??"

I am stronger than the plate!

Oh, one last thing, I got an ADORABLE dress at Walmart the other day... $18! And I am a super hard-to-fit dress wearer, so I bet it'd fit any of you big girls out there... though if you have large boobs (proud member of the itty bitty titty committee here...) you might want to go a size up. It fits my tiny ones nicely.

Walmart has really stepped up their game as far as plus size fashion goes. A couple years ago, Just My Size came in, but it was almost purely work-out wear and t-shirts. Now its moved into other sports wear, and casual clothes. I really am a Lane Bryant Purest. Or I was... until I got poor. When I worked there the 40% discount helped, but I've gotten too fat for all those old clothes, so now... walmart here I come...

all of the following items are available at www.walmart.com and in store.

This is the dress I was talking about... though I have it in purple. I got at least 10 compliments at work friday... good dress. Because I'm tall I wear it with leggings. If you're 5' 9" or shorter the length will probably be fine on you.


This cardigan is SO cute in person. I really really want one. 15 bucks... it would look great over some of my gauzier shirts for winter... (This is the color of my dress btw)

This tunic is AMAZING on. I Tried it, and it was such a toss-up between the dress and this. I think I'll go get it on payday. $15!
Alright, the little girl is asking for some lunch so I better go make it. Talk to you later blog world.

God it's gorgeous outside

For me, good weather isn't sun. It isn't clear skies and warm breezes. Nope. It is dark, gloomy, cloudy, rainy and windy. And that is what it is outside RIGHT NOW! :)

Hooray!

So I was reading one of FB's friend's blogs. I can't remember which one (if you know, please comment and tell me...) she wrote about a terrible experience she had flying. The whole seat-belt extender thing... God I would have been pissed.

Anyway, I'm terrified about this very thing. I have asked for (and am pretty sure I'm getting) a promotion at work. I'd go from being a Sales Assistant (i.e. Secretary...) to an estimator. I'd be doing work that the MEN at my company do, and getting better pay, more respect and a lot of room for promotion. Hooray right?

Well, yes. And no. The guy in line before me is being trained right now. When he's done I'm up next. And guess what? Week two, he's already flying across the country for bid meetings and plant tours. And I'm freaking terrified.

I don't hate flying or anything. I love to travel, see new places. I'm even one of those weird people who LOVE staying in hotels... it's like an adventure. But how do I tell my employer, that they may have to buy an extra seat for me? How do I sit next to a (male) coworker on a plane and, with any dignity left, request a seat-belt extender? What if I don't fit? Will they pay for me to have two seats?

I don't think so. They just won't send me. And I'll be the liability that can't fly to new sites, because of my weight. God. How pathetic is that?

Will my weight keep me from progressing in my job? Is it really more than self-image and health, is this going to affect my career?

Shit.

Working for the Man

God what a day at work. My crazy coworker "C" is driving me ape-shit as usual. Now, to give you a little history, I have filed two formal complaints against C. My boss J has filed formal complaints, my work buddy Hol has filed one as well. Pretty much, her file is thicker than your typical phone book.

The last time she really crossed me, she got in serious trouble. Was she fired? No. Turns out being at a company for 25 years makes them afraid to fire you.

Anyway, Hol, my other buddy "ICD" and I were bitching about her in the lunchroom today. She's up to her old tricks. See, every time she gets into trouble she turns into "super nice C" and we all get annoyed by the sappy sweetness that lies ahead. Then, when things settle down, and when J is out of town, she goes crazy and becomes the epic bitch again.

She has this way of saying things that completely leave you shocked and speechless. Which is SUPER rare for me. I know you don't know me well (yet) but I am rarely speechless. In fact I'm so good at zinging people, that I often end up sticking my foot in my mouth, and regretting it later.

Well J is out of the office as of Thursday and won't be back for about 2 weeks. It's going to be interesting to say the least. I'll have to blog if anything funny happens. Well, funny to you. Because it's not happening to you!

I've been thinking more and more about bariatric surgery. Topping out at 365 just has me plain old miserable. I can't run around with my daughter, I sweat all the time during the summer... there are so many things that I would do if I were even 50 pounds thinner. And with surgery, I could easily lose 100 pounds. That's crazy to me. If I were 265, I would weigh as much as I did as a 9th grader. I would be about a size 16. Something I have never been in my adult life.

Well I'll keep you posted as to what I do, or think about doing. Any input? Anyone out there have a surgery story? Good or bad I'd love to hear it.

Toodles.

Pressure

God I hate the first post in a new blog. It's so intimidating. Like a big angry face asking, "Well? What have you got to say for yourself?"

Not much. This is the first blog I've ever written incognito. Usually I write these for my friends and family. Keep up to date, and show them the slightly unstable side of myself that always seems to come out when I'm typing.

I guess the best way to start is to give you a little background about me, before we dive in too deep, right?

Well I am 23 (almost 24!), I am a mother of one, been married for about 3.5 years. Yes, that means I was 20 when I got married, but that is a story for another day. My daughter 2, and we are desperately trying to get her potty trained.

This won't be, for the most part, a mommy blog. Though, when you are a mommy, it infiltrates every single part of your life. For the most part I want this to be a me blog.

Like Fat Bridesmaid, one of my favorite blogs, I will probably talk about my body and my weight. I am proud to be a big woman, but health is always an issue. Especially when you are as overweight as I am.

I can't believe I'm about to type this, because no one but my doctor knows this... I weigh 365 pounds. At my height it makes me a size 26/28.

Before my daughter was born, I always hovered just under 300, and was about a size 20-22. As anyone who has had a child will tell you, baby weight is a whole other animal. Between that, and the weight I gained when my husband and I separated for 6 months, I am here... 70 pounds above where I want to be, where I was just 4 short years ago.

So this is my journey, this is my life, this is my therapy. I love comments, please feel free. First post down, many many more to go!