My computer Crashed, I swear!!

Ok guys, I'm sorry!

I haven't posted in a while, and I hate to leave you hanging. Life has been incredibly stressful to say the least. To top it off, my computer SPLODED last week. Like, just died. So with the incredible help of the guys at PC Help Forum (you can donate to the guys who help you, which is great...) I got the computer fixed. I still have NO idea how every option got turned off on my computer, but I probably did it to myself. Knowing me....

Anyway the stress. Stress = Stress Eating. But I'm kinda funny about that too, I have to reach a certain level of equalibrium in order to maximize stress eating. If I'm not stressed enough, well then I'm just regular eating for the most part. Too stressed and I stop eating. Yeah, that's right... I actually don't want to eat. I know... I never thought I'd be that way.

In High School, I went through a year of terrible stress. I was in therapy, on anti-deppresants, you name it. During that time I developed IBS. Google it... I don't wanna talk about what it means. Anyway, since I wasn't absorbing any of the food I ate, I lost tons of weight, in a bad way. I also got to a point where I just didn't WANT to eat. Now, when the heavy stress hits, I go back to that habit.

I seem to be going back and forth for the last couple weeks. One day I'm pigging out... the next I eat a bowl of cereal then forget to eat the rest of the day... At least I'm maintaining most of that 10 pounds I lost last week.

I guess I'm just rambling here, but stress-eating is a big problem for me. I definitely tell myself it's ok to keep eating because I'm sad/down/stressed and I "deserve" it. It's how I was taught to pamper myself. In my family if we achieved something, or needed comfort we didn't get a haircut, or a toy, or even just special attention. We got food. It was how we celebrated everything. And now, I am a total emotional eater. Blah.

I really want to break that cycle with my daughter. She gets treats for going potty, but other achievements or good behavior I try verbal praise and hugs and dancing. Dancing is a great reward I think. :)

Ok, comment time. Are you an emotional/stress eater? If so, what are your triggers? Was this learned from your family, or later in life?

Tis the Season... to eat.

Today is the glorious THIRD day of my weekend. Thank goodness for three day weekends. I'm truly excited for the holiday season this year, because my work finally gave in (after crazy low attendance) and gave us the day after Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve off.

We used to get two hours off on Christmas Eve, that's it. But since most people just didn't come in those two days we get em off now. Woohoo!

That's not the only reason I'm excited... We have our own house for the first time since my husband and I got married. That means a bigger tree! (Does a happy little crafter's dance) I get to decorate it and everything. Oh and Lights!

Only downside? Food. There is SO much food that time of year. And if you work in an office like I do, you know that everybody's wife is smart enough to say "Take this to work or I'll just eat it all!" Well guess who's at work? ME! This year I vow to only eat what looks crazy fantastic, and to keep my portions small. I don't NEED 20 bland boring butter cookies. Right?

I have to allow myself to have a little bit of fun and freedom with food, otherwise I get depressed and eat like... the butter out of my fridge.

On top of all of it... It gets so cold and snowy hear I just slug around the house most of the day.

Maybe when we get our mondo tax return I'll buy a wii fit. That will get me moving in the coldest of days...

Ok, comment time after the short post. Are you getting excited for the Holiday Season coming, or are you (like me) worried about impending weight gain??

Hippo in Heels

Last night my husband and I got to go on a (much needed) date out. My fave babysitter M came over and watched my daughter (well, watched movies. The daughter was asleep) while DH and I went out.

Getting dressed up to go out is one of my favorite things to do. Though I don't have a huge selection, I do pride myself on my sense of style, and evenings out are a great venue for things that aren't appropriate for work, and aren't realistic for my mommy duties.

I wore my new Walmart dress (so sexy with the Lane Bryant plunge bra...) leggings and, you guessed it, heels.

Now, you need to know that on top of the fact that I'm fat and tall (5'11) I have abnormally large bones and joints. I once had a sports injury doctor tell me, at the tender age of 15, that I had a knee the same size as a 6'5" basketball player he was treating. He almost mixed up our x-rays. The previous year I thought I'd broken a finger and that x-ray tech said the joints in my fingers were "abnormally large for a girl my age." You know that phrase, big-boned? Turns out I am. Well, and I'm fat too.

Anyway, because of my height and freak-like bone structure, I wear large rings, large bracelets, and very large shoes. Size 11 wide or 12 wide, depending on the store. Yup, that is big.

I have many fat female family members, all of whom, though they are sad at the lack of clothing choices, are thrilled that at the very least, their accessories are good. Jewelry, shoes...

Me? I once again am forced to choose from the "special" aisle at the store. I'm not meaning to whine more (though I'm accomplishing that fairly well..) I just want you to understand why wearing heels (let alone owning heels) is a big deal for me.

Because of the size and make-up of my feet, and my height, I really have never worn heels. Granted I've bought a few pairs, vowed to learn to walk in them, and then had them relegated to the back of my closet. They never fit right, and even when they do, the tendons in my legs are screaming "WTF?" the whole time I wear them.

That is, until this pair of shoes came along. Oh how I love them. Payless special, size 11 Wide. Black, rounded toe, mary-jane strap to keep them on, and only about a 2.5 inch heel. Perfect! My sister bought them for me when I told her I'd tried them on and they were comfy. She had a cow and said "I'm buying these for you NOW!!!"

So last night, I venture out of the house in them. I feel fantastic. Well... sort of. I kind of feel like a Hippo in heels when I wear shoes like that. Not that they aren't great... but think about it: Let's put a 360 pound, 5'11" tall woman into shoes that channel all of that weight into two small dots at the back of these shoes. Yikes!

Even though I'm getting better at walking in them, and not going CLOMP CLOMP, I still feel like at any moment one of the stilts is going to snap and TIMBER... down I will go.

Now that would not be a fun end to the evening. I am not graceful... I do not fall well.

Well, the evening went off without a hitch. I didn't trip or fall once, and even though I was a good 7 inches taller than my husband in them, I felt great.

Note to self: Wear heels more. They make you feel like a normal girl... which is super rare.

Ok, new thing I'm trying out... Comment Questions. I'm going to ask a question at the end of the blog and you answer in the comment section... So Answer! Ready?

Question: What clothes, accessories, or features about yourself make you feel extra sexy/pretty/cute/normal? Is there a certain "it factor" for you that makes you feel less like the token fat girl, and more like a sex symbol? What is it, do you flaunt it, and why is it so special to you?

Alright guys... Fatty out!

Cake Wreck!

If you do not know what Cake Wrecks is... pause. Look over at my blog roll and click on Cake Wrecks. Look around. It's ok... I'll wait.

Still looking? Ok.

Find any good ones? That tie dyed on made me cringe. Imagine the color you're poo would come out!!

OK, enough talk of psychedelic poo. Onto the cake wreck.

The other day was my Mother's birthday. I told her I was going to make her a "wreck-tastic" cake. She squee'd in excitement, for my mom is a big fan of wrecks herself. So... behold. Freelance Fatty's big Wreck:


I took inspiration from several different wrecks. The "inappropriately placed quotation mark" wreck. The misspelled cakes, and the "in pink" cake. All good favorites. Also, a new fave. The turned 20 into 40 cake.

And what are those white things supposed to be? Flowers? Scary blobs? Yep. Awesome.
Also please note the great basket weaving on the sides... overkill if I do say so myself. I was going for the "fugly" vote on that...

Anyway, it was lots of fun, and hopefully mom likes it. Along with her gift (a shovel. She asked for it I promise!!)

Oh, Fat Girl Cake Decorating Tip:

Practice your tips on graham crackers. Then you can eat them later. Awesome. My daughter loved hers. Though more got on her than in her...
Well, enjoy the cakey post. That is all for today. I gotta go bathe the child...

Working for the Man

God what a day at work. My crazy coworker "C" is driving me ape-shit as usual. Now, to give you a little history, I have filed two formal complaints against C. My boss J has filed formal complaints, my work buddy Hol has filed one as well. Pretty much, her file is thicker than your typical phone book.

The last time she really crossed me, she got in serious trouble. Was she fired? No. Turns out being at a company for 25 years makes them afraid to fire you.

Anyway, Hol, my other buddy "ICD" and I were bitching about her in the lunchroom today. She's up to her old tricks. See, every time she gets into trouble she turns into "super nice C" and we all get annoyed by the sappy sweetness that lies ahead. Then, when things settle down, and when J is out of town, she goes crazy and becomes the epic bitch again.

She has this way of saying things that completely leave you shocked and speechless. Which is SUPER rare for me. I know you don't know me well (yet) but I am rarely speechless. In fact I'm so good at zinging people, that I often end up sticking my foot in my mouth, and regretting it later.

Well J is out of the office as of Thursday and won't be back for about 2 weeks. It's going to be interesting to say the least. I'll have to blog if anything funny happens. Well, funny to you. Because it's not happening to you!

I've been thinking more and more about bariatric surgery. Topping out at 365 just has me plain old miserable. I can't run around with my daughter, I sweat all the time during the summer... there are so many things that I would do if I were even 50 pounds thinner. And with surgery, I could easily lose 100 pounds. That's crazy to me. If I were 265, I would weigh as much as I did as a 9th grader. I would be about a size 16. Something I have never been in my adult life.

Well I'll keep you posted as to what I do, or think about doing. Any input? Anyone out there have a surgery story? Good or bad I'd love to hear it.

Toodles.

Pressure

God I hate the first post in a new blog. It's so intimidating. Like a big angry face asking, "Well? What have you got to say for yourself?"

Not much. This is the first blog I've ever written incognito. Usually I write these for my friends and family. Keep up to date, and show them the slightly unstable side of myself that always seems to come out when I'm typing.

I guess the best way to start is to give you a little background about me, before we dive in too deep, right?

Well I am 23 (almost 24!), I am a mother of one, been married for about 3.5 years. Yes, that means I was 20 when I got married, but that is a story for another day. My daughter 2, and we are desperately trying to get her potty trained.

This won't be, for the most part, a mommy blog. Though, when you are a mommy, it infiltrates every single part of your life. For the most part I want this to be a me blog.

Like Fat Bridesmaid, one of my favorite blogs, I will probably talk about my body and my weight. I am proud to be a big woman, but health is always an issue. Especially when you are as overweight as I am.

I can't believe I'm about to type this, because no one but my doctor knows this... I weigh 365 pounds. At my height it makes me a size 26/28.

Before my daughter was born, I always hovered just under 300, and was about a size 20-22. As anyone who has had a child will tell you, baby weight is a whole other animal. Between that, and the weight I gained when my husband and I separated for 6 months, I am here... 70 pounds above where I want to be, where I was just 4 short years ago.

So this is my journey, this is my life, this is my therapy. I love comments, please feel free. First post down, many many more to go!