Crash and Burn.

*Taps yardstick on desk* Ok, students, today I would like to talk to you all about "Crash Dieting."
Miss Freelance Fatty is SICK of crash diets, and wants you, her class, to know why they are so bad for you! Ok? Good!

Sigh. I really am sick of Crash Diets. There is a new one going around my work right now, the HCG diet. This one is a doozy. Not only does it rely heavily on a "nutritional supplement" but the diet restricts one to a diet of 500 calories a day. Yeah, that's right. So obviously its not the supplement that makes you lose weight, its the fact that you've gone from 1800-2200 calories a day down to 500.

This diet is bad for you. Period. Let's say on this diet you lose 20 pounds in a month. At least half of that weight is muscle right? So check out this math...

1 lb muscle = 50 calories burned per day (just to exist)
1 lb fat = 2 calories burned per day (just to exist)

So lets say you lose 10 lbs of muscle, and 10 lbs of fat on a crash diet.
BTW, when you lose weight too fast, you always lose muscle. When your body thinks it's starving, it will dump whatever takes the most energy, and as you see above, muscle takes 25x energy to keep alive than fat.

10 lb muscle = 500 calories off your metabolism
10lb fat = 20 calories off your metabolism

Total = 520 calories a day you are no longer burning. That's like a meal! So now, you've lost your goal weight, you go back to your, let's say 1800 calorie a day diet. And before this diet, you maintained your weight well, so you were burning that 1800 calories every day. But now, after losing that muscle and fat, you are now only burning just under 1300 calories a day. So you start to gain back the weight at about a pound a week. After 20 weeks you're back where you were.

But get this, you're worse off now! Unless you're really doing muscle building, you don't get that muscle back that fast... so you've only upped your metabolism by maybe 50-100 calories, even though you weigh what you did before!

This is where yo-yo dieting comes from people. You lose 20, gain back 25, lose 25 gain back 30... you're screwing your body when you do it this way. Crash diets always do just that... CRASH!

Ok, so why my ginormous rant about this today? Like I said, I have several coworkers on this diet now HCG. Its so ridiculous. But you know what annoys me the most? The fact that all they can talk about... is their diet. My one coworker, ICD, she is the worst of them all. All she talks about all day is "I can't have that!" Over and over again. The biggest blow came today... the reason I'm finally blogging about it...

One of the guys I work for brought in some trout he caught and smoked himself. It was divine. We were all having little snacks on it. So ICD comes over, and get this (I'm so not making this up...) She asks if she can SMELL it. Seriously. She lifts up the plate and smells it. So the guy who brought it in, looks at her like she's lost her mind and says, "Just have some." I bout yelled at him. Because I knew exactly what was coming next. "I CAN'T" she says, "I am not allowed to have it, so I'm just smelling it." And she walks away.

After enduring going out to lunch with her last week... and hearing her tell the waitress over and over again what she can't have... I am just about ready to scream.

But don't take diet advice from the fat girl right? Jeez. Oh, btw... I am keeping off this now almost 15 pounds I mysteriously lost. I think its the less snacking I'm doing lately. Being poor has its benefits I guess.

Ok comment time. Um, I am still so blinded with rage over this incident, I can't really think of anything creative... so why don't you comment about the crazy dieters you've run into. Add to my story!

My computer Crashed, I swear!!

Ok guys, I'm sorry!

I haven't posted in a while, and I hate to leave you hanging. Life has been incredibly stressful to say the least. To top it off, my computer SPLODED last week. Like, just died. So with the incredible help of the guys at PC Help Forum (you can donate to the guys who help you, which is great...) I got the computer fixed. I still have NO idea how every option got turned off on my computer, but I probably did it to myself. Knowing me....

Anyway the stress. Stress = Stress Eating. But I'm kinda funny about that too, I have to reach a certain level of equalibrium in order to maximize stress eating. If I'm not stressed enough, well then I'm just regular eating for the most part. Too stressed and I stop eating. Yeah, that's right... I actually don't want to eat. I know... I never thought I'd be that way.

In High School, I went through a year of terrible stress. I was in therapy, on anti-deppresants, you name it. During that time I developed IBS. Google it... I don't wanna talk about what it means. Anyway, since I wasn't absorbing any of the food I ate, I lost tons of weight, in a bad way. I also got to a point where I just didn't WANT to eat. Now, when the heavy stress hits, I go back to that habit.

I seem to be going back and forth for the last couple weeks. One day I'm pigging out... the next I eat a bowl of cereal then forget to eat the rest of the day... At least I'm maintaining most of that 10 pounds I lost last week.

I guess I'm just rambling here, but stress-eating is a big problem for me. I definitely tell myself it's ok to keep eating because I'm sad/down/stressed and I "deserve" it. It's how I was taught to pamper myself. In my family if we achieved something, or needed comfort we didn't get a haircut, or a toy, or even just special attention. We got food. It was how we celebrated everything. And now, I am a total emotional eater. Blah.

I really want to break that cycle with my daughter. She gets treats for going potty, but other achievements or good behavior I try verbal praise and hugs and dancing. Dancing is a great reward I think. :)

Ok, comment time. Are you an emotional/stress eater? If so, what are your triggers? Was this learned from your family, or later in life?

What the F@#&?

So this morning, I stepped on the scale.

That statement may not seem much to you, but I'm not a frequent weigh-er. For one thing, its depressing and makes me feel less confident all day, and for another, I haven't gained any weight for the past year or so. Up two pounds, down two pounds etc.

So this morning, full of sheer morbid curiosity (and wondering if that damn pasta bowl completely screwed me over...) I stepped onto the scale.

Lo and Behold... I have lost 10 pounds since the last time my curiosity got ahold of me (which was almost two weeks ago, I was going clothing shopping and just had to kill my confidence before I went...)

10 pounds! Actually its 11, but I always hover between 363 and 365 so that 1-2 pounds is usually water. And guess what? 354.

I haven't weighed that in just under a year, when I was working to renovate a house and just worked my ass off. Literally.

I think it's probably the stress from what's going on in life. Money issues, friend issues. Etc. But also lately I've just been too lazy to eat. I know that sounds funny, but it's true. I just don't have the energy to go and make some big fattening dinner (like a butter and egg sandwich. Yeah, that used to be a favorite) so I eat a string-cheese and go to bed.

Hum. Well my clothes aren't fitting too differently, so Its just a small change (10/360 is not the same ratio as 10/180!!!) but still awesome for me.

Anyway I best get back to work. I work hard for that money.

Oh I'm wearing that awesome blue/black/white dress today from my last post. SMOKIN!

Bye!

Domino's Delivers... DOOM!

OK, I'm ready to talk about yesterday.

Have you ever eaten something, that was so disgustingly bad for you, that afterward you actually felt... like a bad person? I mean, more than guilt. More than just... well that's a lot of calories to work off, or "oh there goes my diet." But actually... Bad.

That is how the Domino's Pasta Bowl made me feel.
Behold. The pasta bread bowl. Looks innocent enough right? Well not so. Not only is the pasta swimming in delectably creamy sauce... This particular bad boy has bacon AND chicken in it too. For the most part, I enjoy it. Until I come to the actual bowl part. I've never thought Domino's crust was too greasy. Way better than Pizza Hut (barf) but this bowl, is dripping with grease.

Can I put it down and say, ok that is really bad for me, just throw it away? Nope. I eat almost the whole thing.

I almost made myself sick on this thing. And why? Did I enjoy it? Not particularly. Not when my hand is dripping in orange grease. Blech.

I'm getting nauseated just thinking about it. But I think I need to think about it. Don't shut it in the closet. Open up that embarrassment and really examine it. Then maybe next time, I just won't order the damn thing. *Shudder*

Anyway, today I felt so repentant that I had a slim fast bar for breakfast, red vines for a snack and a salad (with less than two tablespoons of dressing, mind you) for lunch. All-in-all, doing pretty well. And very full I might add.

I just need to celebrate days like today, and remember that those "off the wagon" days happen. They do. Its just food, and it's not my master right?

Ok, really mean comment question this time, but you know... misery loves company. What is an "off the wagon" moment you've had recently? Becca mentioned the two pans of fries. (I hear that sister) What else have you guys been weakened to? Let's let it out, and be stronger than our cravings!

Greasy does it.

What a day.

I ate way too damn much today. Every meal was a lot, and way too greasy. And then in between I snacked on bread, candy and chips. And lots of diet coke.

Oy. Days like this make me feel like I deserve every ounce of fat on my body. I deserve to be morbidly obese. I deserve to be unattractive.

Short post today. Too depressed to be witty. Tomorrow will be better. I hope.

Cake Wreck!

If you do not know what Cake Wrecks is... pause. Look over at my blog roll and click on Cake Wrecks. Look around. It's ok... I'll wait.

Still looking? Ok.

Find any good ones? That tie dyed on made me cringe. Imagine the color you're poo would come out!!

OK, enough talk of psychedelic poo. Onto the cake wreck.

The other day was my Mother's birthday. I told her I was going to make her a "wreck-tastic" cake. She squee'd in excitement, for my mom is a big fan of wrecks herself. So... behold. Freelance Fatty's big Wreck:


I took inspiration from several different wrecks. The "inappropriately placed quotation mark" wreck. The misspelled cakes, and the "in pink" cake. All good favorites. Also, a new fave. The turned 20 into 40 cake.

And what are those white things supposed to be? Flowers? Scary blobs? Yep. Awesome.
Also please note the great basket weaving on the sides... overkill if I do say so myself. I was going for the "fugly" vote on that...

Anyway, it was lots of fun, and hopefully mom likes it. Along with her gift (a shovel. She asked for it I promise!!)

Oh, Fat Girl Cake Decorating Tip:

Practice your tips on graham crackers. Then you can eat them later. Awesome. My daughter loved hers. Though more got on her than in her...
Well, enjoy the cakey post. That is all for today. I gotta go bathe the child...

Puff a Long

This morning I got up, and it was beautiful outside. All the rain we had yesterday really cleared all the pollution out of the air, and it was a cool, crisp, fall-like morning. So we went for a walk.

We loaded my daughter into the big stroller, and went down to our neighbor's to see their animals. We live in a suburban/rural area and our neighbor that's about 1/2 a mile away has deer, sheep, goats and llamas. My daughter loves to go and feed the kids and the goats. The deer are a bit shy, but so beautiful.

After failing to squeeze my ass through the small gap next to the fence, I had to climb an old tree over running irrigation water to get to them. God I hate being fat. Did I mention that my husband weighs 110 on a good day? He's also almost 5 inches shorter than I am. We're a bit of a comic pair...

Anyway, the whole way there is downhill. So the whole way back... uphill. And boy howdy, that stroller gets heavy! DH kept saying he'd take the stroller, as he easily skipped up this murderous hill. Hell no, I said. I'm gonna freaking do this. So I huffed, and puffed and wheezed my way up a 1/2 mile stretch at a steep incline. I couldn't even talk. DH chatted on in my ear as he easily took his body (less than 1/3 the weigh of mine) up that hill while I dragged my pathetic out-of-shape carcass up the hill of doom.

But I did it!! I almost had an asthma attack at the top, but I did it! Now if I could just do it a few times a week... that'd be a great start to me getting my body healthy.

By the way, yesterday for lunch I had fruit, bread and cheese, and for dinner a perfectly sized portion of pork roast and veggies. I'm very proud of my portion sizing. God its hard to have that half empty plate stare back at me. It's like its saying "What are you... a sissy??"

I am stronger than the plate!

Oh, one last thing, I got an ADORABLE dress at Walmart the other day... $18! And I am a super hard-to-fit dress wearer, so I bet it'd fit any of you big girls out there... though if you have large boobs (proud member of the itty bitty titty committee here...) you might want to go a size up. It fits my tiny ones nicely.

Walmart has really stepped up their game as far as plus size fashion goes. A couple years ago, Just My Size came in, but it was almost purely work-out wear and t-shirts. Now its moved into other sports wear, and casual clothes. I really am a Lane Bryant Purest. Or I was... until I got poor. When I worked there the 40% discount helped, but I've gotten too fat for all those old clothes, so now... walmart here I come...

all of the following items are available at www.walmart.com and in store.

This is the dress I was talking about... though I have it in purple. I got at least 10 compliments at work friday... good dress. Because I'm tall I wear it with leggings. If you're 5' 9" or shorter the length will probably be fine on you.


This cardigan is SO cute in person. I really really want one. 15 bucks... it would look great over some of my gauzier shirts for winter... (This is the color of my dress btw)

This tunic is AMAZING on. I Tried it, and it was such a toss-up between the dress and this. I think I'll go get it on payday. $15!
Alright, the little girl is asking for some lunch so I better go make it. Talk to you later blog world.

No Make-Up??

If you've read my first post, you know I'm a Fat Bridesmaid fan. Well her last post was a challenge to post a make-up free portrait. No Photoshop, no make-up. Heck I'm thinking no hairspray or crazy lighting either right? I mean, let's strip naked here and just lean into the fear!

So here is my response to her challenge:

This is me, fresh out of the shower. Freckles, zits and no eyebrows. Viola.

So for the rest of my post....

Today at work was the wellness program Lunch & Learn. They talked about nutrition. It was really interesting, they had a nutritionist come and talk about basic stuff. Not a lot that I didn't already know, but with my newfound outlook, I think I took it more seriously. I hope I did anyway.

I thought maybe I'd start buying fruit and bagging it in little baggies I can take to work easily. Then I can mix and match with veggies for all-day snacks. Because God knows what I eat at work is not often very good for me. Someone is always bringing in donuts, cake, bagels etc.

Anyway, they did a drawing at the end, and I won! I never win anything...

I got a prize bag with some healthy goodies in it. Fantastic! I can put it in my desk for when those donuts show up tomorrow. I just know they will....

Fatty Out!