In your own skin.

As you may of guessed from the title, this post is about confidence. And feeling at home in one's own skin. I have always been very comfortable with my body, until this last 60 pounds. Believe it or not, but at 295 and as a size 22 I felt unstopable. I was Big, Beautiful and all woman. I felt like if a guy didn't like my size, well too damn bad for him.

Lately that feeling is a lot harder to come by. With less clothing that fits me well, and a harder time of hiding the bulges and tummy than before, I almost always feel less than worthy of my life. My 110 pound, built husband, my amazing job, I don't feel like I'm deserving of any of it, and might lose it all at any time.

But I think enough is enough. I am really wanting to lose this weight, but what do I do until then? I refuse to be OK with hating myself for the next year. Always saying "when I lose 10 pounds I will..."

Enough! I stole the following pic and article from Becca (go check out her blog, she is amazing)
Now this girl is much prettier and thinner than I am, but it is still so heartening to see someone with a belly in a major national magazine! Hellz yeah!

Her name is Lizzi Miller, and you can find the article about her here. I love it. That belly is so NORMAL. If anything, she's much more toned and smooth than the normal woman. So pretty!

Another thing that helped boost my confidence? DH took me to Lane Bryant this week and let me charge a little bit of happy. I got a few really cute things. The first top was DH's favorite. Said If I wore it to word I'd have to beat the guys off with a stick. God I love that man :D

This dress was my fave find of the night $24 after all the discounts... it's long enough I don't have to wear leggings under it, like many of my other dresses. YAY! I got a great belt to wear with both of these.
Can't find a pic of the belt, buts wide and kind of elasticy and the front has black pleather and studs. Very rocker chic while still work appropriate. The jacket I got is kind of a light blue with white piping blazer style. So cute.

The one thing he made me get was the necklace. I don't usually do so much shiny, but since he was buying I figured I'd better get it. :D

So yeah, two different posts here mashed into one, but the shopping trip with my super sexy husband helped in a lot of ways. Sometimes I forget that he really doesn't care about my size. That not only does he find it sexy that I'm big a beautiful, he really loves ME and not my dress size. How truly blessed I am to have such an enlightened man. I love him!! And he helps me love me.

OK, comment time. How comfortable are you in your skin? Tell me about a time when you felt very confident, or maybe, not so confident. How can we help each other feel more confident? Let's hear it girls!

Domino's Delivers... DOOM!

OK, I'm ready to talk about yesterday.

Have you ever eaten something, that was so disgustingly bad for you, that afterward you actually felt... like a bad person? I mean, more than guilt. More than just... well that's a lot of calories to work off, or "oh there goes my diet." But actually... Bad.

That is how the Domino's Pasta Bowl made me feel.
Behold. The pasta bread bowl. Looks innocent enough right? Well not so. Not only is the pasta swimming in delectably creamy sauce... This particular bad boy has bacon AND chicken in it too. For the most part, I enjoy it. Until I come to the actual bowl part. I've never thought Domino's crust was too greasy. Way better than Pizza Hut (barf) but this bowl, is dripping with grease.

Can I put it down and say, ok that is really bad for me, just throw it away? Nope. I eat almost the whole thing.

I almost made myself sick on this thing. And why? Did I enjoy it? Not particularly. Not when my hand is dripping in orange grease. Blech.

I'm getting nauseated just thinking about it. But I think I need to think about it. Don't shut it in the closet. Open up that embarrassment and really examine it. Then maybe next time, I just won't order the damn thing. *Shudder*

Anyway, today I felt so repentant that I had a slim fast bar for breakfast, red vines for a snack and a salad (with less than two tablespoons of dressing, mind you) for lunch. All-in-all, doing pretty well. And very full I might add.

I just need to celebrate days like today, and remember that those "off the wagon" days happen. They do. Its just food, and it's not my master right?

Ok, really mean comment question this time, but you know... misery loves company. What is an "off the wagon" moment you've had recently? Becca mentioned the two pans of fries. (I hear that sister) What else have you guys been weakened to? Let's let it out, and be stronger than our cravings!

Greasy does it.

What a day.

I ate way too damn much today. Every meal was a lot, and way too greasy. And then in between I snacked on bread, candy and chips. And lots of diet coke.

Oy. Days like this make me feel like I deserve every ounce of fat on my body. I deserve to be morbidly obese. I deserve to be unattractive.

Short post today. Too depressed to be witty. Tomorrow will be better. I hope.

A Fatty Reminiscing

You know, I never realized I had so much to say about being fat. I guess it's shaped my point of view on the world more than I thought it had.

I think a big part of it, is that I have been overweight my whole life. I was never skinny, or even average, so I have no other way of looking at life. I don't see myself as the skinny person I was, or understand the discrimination. I never got to be on the other end of that... so my point of view is pretty unique.

Although I'm the fattest now that I've ever been, its all just numbers to me. I feel too fat to feel good right now, but 60 pounds ago, although still very much in the "morbidly obese" category, I felt fantastic.

My goal weight is around 300 pounds. For my height, according to the archaic BMI standards I should weigh 155-176, and that's on a large frame.

I think at that weight I'd be sick, and miserable. And that's not an excuse, its reality.

When I was 17 I got sick quite badly. I couldn't eat, and what I did eat came right back up. I got down to 250 pounds (from being about 308) and I looked terrible. Even as I got better, and the weight stayed off for a few months, people told me I looked sick. Drawn. Hollow.

By 18 I had gained back up to about 290 and I felt better, I looked better.

Anyway, sorry to get off on a tangent there. I guess what I'm saying is that I've surprised myself at just how much I have to say on weight. How little I get to say it in my everyday life, and how grateful I am to have a place to share it now. Not to the empty internet, but to a group of lovely people who maybe, can get a little bit of something from me doing it.

Comment time!

What things in your life and shaped and changed your perspective on weight, shape, beauty, and love?

Hippo in Heels

Last night my husband and I got to go on a (much needed) date out. My fave babysitter M came over and watched my daughter (well, watched movies. The daughter was asleep) while DH and I went out.

Getting dressed up to go out is one of my favorite things to do. Though I don't have a huge selection, I do pride myself on my sense of style, and evenings out are a great venue for things that aren't appropriate for work, and aren't realistic for my mommy duties.

I wore my new Walmart dress (so sexy with the Lane Bryant plunge bra...) leggings and, you guessed it, heels.

Now, you need to know that on top of the fact that I'm fat and tall (5'11) I have abnormally large bones and joints. I once had a sports injury doctor tell me, at the tender age of 15, that I had a knee the same size as a 6'5" basketball player he was treating. He almost mixed up our x-rays. The previous year I thought I'd broken a finger and that x-ray tech said the joints in my fingers were "abnormally large for a girl my age." You know that phrase, big-boned? Turns out I am. Well, and I'm fat too.

Anyway, because of my height and freak-like bone structure, I wear large rings, large bracelets, and very large shoes. Size 11 wide or 12 wide, depending on the store. Yup, that is big.

I have many fat female family members, all of whom, though they are sad at the lack of clothing choices, are thrilled that at the very least, their accessories are good. Jewelry, shoes...

Me? I once again am forced to choose from the "special" aisle at the store. I'm not meaning to whine more (though I'm accomplishing that fairly well..) I just want you to understand why wearing heels (let alone owning heels) is a big deal for me.

Because of the size and make-up of my feet, and my height, I really have never worn heels. Granted I've bought a few pairs, vowed to learn to walk in them, and then had them relegated to the back of my closet. They never fit right, and even when they do, the tendons in my legs are screaming "WTF?" the whole time I wear them.

That is, until this pair of shoes came along. Oh how I love them. Payless special, size 11 Wide. Black, rounded toe, mary-jane strap to keep them on, and only about a 2.5 inch heel. Perfect! My sister bought them for me when I told her I'd tried them on and they were comfy. She had a cow and said "I'm buying these for you NOW!!!"

So last night, I venture out of the house in them. I feel fantastic. Well... sort of. I kind of feel like a Hippo in heels when I wear shoes like that. Not that they aren't great... but think about it: Let's put a 360 pound, 5'11" tall woman into shoes that channel all of that weight into two small dots at the back of these shoes. Yikes!

Even though I'm getting better at walking in them, and not going CLOMP CLOMP, I still feel like at any moment one of the stilts is going to snap and TIMBER... down I will go.

Now that would not be a fun end to the evening. I am not graceful... I do not fall well.

Well, the evening went off without a hitch. I didn't trip or fall once, and even though I was a good 7 inches taller than my husband in them, I felt great.

Note to self: Wear heels more. They make you feel like a normal girl... which is super rare.

Ok, new thing I'm trying out... Comment Questions. I'm going to ask a question at the end of the blog and you answer in the comment section... So Answer! Ready?

Question: What clothes, accessories, or features about yourself make you feel extra sexy/pretty/cute/normal? Is there a certain "it factor" for you that makes you feel less like the token fat girl, and more like a sex symbol? What is it, do you flaunt it, and why is it so special to you?

Alright guys... Fatty out!

Cake Wreck!

If you do not know what Cake Wrecks is... pause. Look over at my blog roll and click on Cake Wrecks. Look around. It's ok... I'll wait.

Still looking? Ok.

Find any good ones? That tie dyed on made me cringe. Imagine the color you're poo would come out!!

OK, enough talk of psychedelic poo. Onto the cake wreck.

The other day was my Mother's birthday. I told her I was going to make her a "wreck-tastic" cake. She squee'd in excitement, for my mom is a big fan of wrecks herself. So... behold. Freelance Fatty's big Wreck:


I took inspiration from several different wrecks. The "inappropriately placed quotation mark" wreck. The misspelled cakes, and the "in pink" cake. All good favorites. Also, a new fave. The turned 20 into 40 cake.

And what are those white things supposed to be? Flowers? Scary blobs? Yep. Awesome.
Also please note the great basket weaving on the sides... overkill if I do say so myself. I was going for the "fugly" vote on that...

Anyway, it was lots of fun, and hopefully mom likes it. Along with her gift (a shovel. She asked for it I promise!!)

Oh, Fat Girl Cake Decorating Tip:

Practice your tips on graham crackers. Then you can eat them later. Awesome. My daughter loved hers. Though more got on her than in her...
Well, enjoy the cakey post. That is all for today. I gotta go bathe the child...

Commenting Issues

I think I may have fixed the problem, by creating a pop up window for comments... let me know if this works or not... you can email me at turnerlizzie@yahoo.com if not and let me know.

I really want your comments!!